Becoming you

Chapter 31

SEHUN'S POV

I opened my eyes as I felt her presence. She sat beside me on the couch, not looking at me as Pinku was sleeping peacefully on her lap. I was so nervous; it was long since the last time I saw her and I was desperate to feel her beside me. I was very aware that that entire situation was my fault. I hated myself for what I did so much. I didn't know what could have crossed my mind to do that. Since the first time I saw her, she was the only one in my mind and the only one I could land my eyes on. I felt so broken inside. It felt as if my heart was ripped apart. Hurting her was the worst thing I could do. I found out that I was unable to live without her. It was hard to be apart from her when I was in China. I was feeling so anxious all the time but I knew that I was going to see her again. But now it's not the same. I don't know if I could be able to fix what I did. Just the thought of being away from her is killing me.

Telling her that I was sorry wasn't to solve things. It wasn't enough because I hurt her so much. How could I amend my mistake? How could I make her believe that I really loved her? She was always telling me how much I changed her, that I made her feel more confident to be herself. But the truth was that I didn't do anything. She was like that from the beginning; she only needed a little push to let it out. However, it was her who changed me. I didn't realize at first but I was so lost, and she found me. I didn't know what would happen to me if I wouldn't ever meet her. I was always surrounded by people but I was completely alone. I always thought that I wasn't able to love anyone. Being with girls it was just an enjoyment for me and I never felt attached to any of them. But she showed me what love was and I didn't want to lose that. Knowing her was the best and most incredible thing that ever happened to me. Could I just let her go? She was the only one I wanted to keep in my life but if she decided to go, I should accept her decision. It would kill me but I had to do it. I knew that I would always love her. I felt it, but her feelings were first than mine. Nobody cared me more than her. I closed my eyes and breathed deep; my hands trembling.

"I'd like to tell you everything but I don't really know what I should start with", I said. How could I explain to her what happened? But I was there to do that.

"Just start from the beginning. How did you meet that girl?", she asked quietly. She wasn't still looking at me. Her eyes were focused on Pinku.

"She's the director's daughter and she works in her father's company as assistant director. The director is old and has some health problems, so I had to deal with her many times", I replied.

"That's when you began to like her?", she asked; her voice broke. I felt a prick in my heart.

"I don't like her. I never did", I replied. How could she think I could like anyone else when I had her? She was the most wonderful girl I'd ever met.

"But you slept with... Ok, just continue", she said.

"I always felt that she was very kind toward me but I never gave it great importance. His father was kind to me too so I thought it was something normal. But then one day she told me she liked me...", I began. She finally lifted her head and looked at me as I stopped, waiting for me to continue. How much did I miss that face. Her eyes were watering. It was so painful.

"I didn't accept her but I didn't reject her either. I thought that she could feel offended and that could cause problems with my father's company. After all, she was the one in charge to take important decisions when her father wasn't around", I finally said quietly.

"And then?", she asked.

"We never talked about that anymore. Then we had a company's party. I was feeling quite overwhelmed that day and I couldn't stop drinking", I continued.