Broken (Timids)

Crying

Drews pov
We spent the day in each other's arm, cuddled up in bed watching Tim burton movies. It felt so nice to just be held by someone again, instead of trying to remember how it felt for my mother to hug me. I regretted all the times I ever had an argument with my parents because that time could have been spent having fun with them before it was too late. Now, it was too late and I couldn't take back all the hateful words I had ever said in anger or upset, to any of my parents, or reassure them they weren't true. I couldn't take back all the times I had a childish strop because I couldn't get my own way, I couldn't take back all the times I refused to hug my parents because I thought I was too old and too cool to do so, I couldn't take back all the stupid, petty arguments I had with my older sister. She was only sixteen when she died, it wasn't fair. I know this sounds awful but at least my parents had a chance to live, whilst my sisters life was just beginning. She had just passed her final exams with all A's and got her dream job at a hairdressers before the crash. Of course, she knew that at first she would just be cleaning the floors and making cups of tea, but she was so determined that she would work her way up from there, even going as far to say that one day she would have her own salon. If I ever teased her about it she would gently whack my arm and tell me " you'll see".

Except I wouldn't see. I would never see her grow up, I never even got to see her in her prom gown, or saw her goals and dreams finally become achieved. My parents would have loved to see that, their oldest child going to prom or having her own business, or getting their first grandchild by her. They would take loads of pictures and no doubt my mother would be crying while my farther gave my sister strict instructions to be home by midnight, no alcohol and no boys. We would then all get a group photo, hugging close together as we smiled for the camera, not having to fake a single inch of our happiness. Despite our arguments and ups and downs, my family are really close. Not we were, we still are. Just because they are dead, it doesn't mean they are still in my heart.

I missed them so much, it wasn't fair. It killed me to see other people with their parents, even if they were just doing the normal, everyday stuff with them which most children took for granted . They didn't know how lucky they were, I would kill to have what they have. I felt so alone all the time and I hated it. Sure, I had the boys but they didn't know the pain I carried inside me. Besides, I was just a burden to them. With my parents, I had been able to tell them everything. If they were here now, I would be able to tell them about the cutting. Then again, if they were here now, I wouldn't be cutting. But they were dead and I was alive, hating myself because it was all my fault. It was my fault they were on that motorway when the other car collided with them.

If they had never had me, they would still be alive and probably a lot happier to. My sister would be there for them when they needed childish company and without two children to pay for, they would be able to buy her the car she wanted for her birthday. They would be happier too. Even when I lived with my parents, I still had small flurries of feeling utter despair, but they weren't as intense. I had never really been able to find happiness and I had always thought negatively of myself.

" Drew, stop wriggling about so much" Shane complained from behind me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I realised how much I had been fidgeting and it must have been annoying as hell for Shane, as he had his arms wrapped protectively around my waist. I was resting my back against his stomach and his head rested on my shoulder, so he could see the screen.

" s-sorry" I mumbled, my voice shaking slightly due to the tears that threatening to fall and cloud my vision. But I didn't want to cry, not here, not now. Shane didn't deserve me crying on him. I would just save my tears for tonight, like I always did. If you cried late at night, nobody heard you. That's why I did it. They couldn't know, they would hate me almost as much as I hated myself. However, it was impossible for anybody to hate me as much as I hated myself, physically impossible. I just hoped that Shane hadn't heard the desperation in my voice.