Broken (Timids)

The agreement

Drews PoV
    I kept my head bowed low and my gaze on the dirty, cracked pavement beneath my feet as the silent tears trickled hopelessly down my face. I made no effort to stop them, knowing it wouldn't work anyway, it never did unless Shane was here to tell me everything was okay and hug me tightly. In his strong arms, I felt safe and loved but without them there, I just felt empty and strangly weightless.

I tried to tell myself that it shouldn't be this way, that I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of this and be overthinking things but I couldn't help it. It was in my nature to overthink even the smallest of things, which to others seemed so silly and insignificant. So imagine how I felt now after this, which was so much bigger than I could have ever imagined yet I knew it was real and that it had happened. That was the only thing I knew right now.

This wasn't right, Shane wasn't supposed to care for me this way, not after what I told him that night when he caught me in the bathroom, cutting my frail wrists until they had bled heavily. He was supposed to push me away from him harshly, he was supposed to hate my guts for doing that but he didn't. Instead he stayed and wiped away my tears, promising that things would get better for me soon and the he would help me get better and give up my little 'habit'.

And the sad part was, I actually truly believed him for a sick moment! I had actually believed in my heart that I, little old, unlovable Drew Woolnough could possibly find happiness in life, after so many years a blindly searching for it in the dark. I thought things would get better for me and that all the pain in my heart would miraculously disappear into thin air. I really expected it to be that simple and I saw Shane's promise as a new start, a better one. But that I didn't deserve that and I never had. Perhaps I was doomed to this self loathing for all of my dreadful eternity.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I ever have believed that everything could just be made better with the click of a finger and that suddenly all my problems would disappear before my eyes? How could I not see through his empty promises and see the truth that I wasn't strong enough to beat this? I had already proved that and it was only a matter of time before I slipped up and did it again. Shane was the only one who believed in me but in time, that would be replaced by sheer disappointment. I could never please him, not really!

I looked over to the path that Shane had hurried down in his haste to get as far as way from me as possible, and once again my eyes welled with hopeless tears. It wasn't fair, I didn't even know what I had done wrong to make him so upset with me in the first place and nobody would give me a sign!

It didn't make sense, he was the one trying to kiss me, which shows that he must care for me, perhaps in a way that meant much more than friends. Perhaps if he had just attempted to kiss me once, I could have forgotten about it and pass it off as a silly mistake but now that it had happened twice...the possibility of it simply being a mistake dwindled.

I had never really stopped to think about it, seeing as Shsne was my best friend and I wasn't supposed to think about him like that, but I guess he was kind of adorable, especially when he blushed and bit his lip when confronted. I had to admit, when he did that, my heart flipped a little, though until now I had never really understood why. Yet now it was all becoming a little clearer to me, like somebody had finally focused the camera properly.

Maybe there was a reason that my heart flipped at certain little actions he did and why I felt safe in his arms, but never anywhere else. Maybe there was a reason that he had been the one to help me and that he had been the one I had chosen to confide my deepest secret in. Plus there was the undeniable fact that I had leaned in on both of the occasions he tried to kiss me....

I quickly shook my head at the thought, dismissing it completely. I couldn't be in love, that would only mean heartbreak and besides, Shane could never feel the same way about me and he had just proved that to me. I meant nothing to me, not really, and he couldn't even bare to kiss me without running a mile. Not that I could blame him for that particular choice.