Clean

waves drifting

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"God, rest my soul, I miss who I used to be"

April 23, 2005

I was drifting away.
It sort of felt like everyone was standing on the shore of a beach, living their lives. While the waves washed over me, pulling me further and further away from shore.

It was lonely, but peaceful at the same time. If I was alone—if I drifted—then no one would see the cracks forming on every surface of me.

Growing up, I was somewhat of an 'angel' or at least that's what people said. I had an unmistakable light in me, one that I wanted to give to others.

I was never one to self-isolate. I loved people, I loved talking and I loved feeling the love of other people. These days, that love seemed to be slipping away from me. It wasn't that I wanted to lose it, because I definitely didn't, it just seemed to happen.

I was disappointed with the fact that I let Stephan McGarry steal my light. That one night—those ten minutes—changed my life. He saw me, he charmed me and then he stole the oxygen out of my lungs and rendered me dark.

Even now, as I sat in a wooden chair at a cafe, I felt empty. The light was gone, broken and faded to blackness. I stared blankly at the door waiting for her to arrive.

I had a mug of hot chocolate in front of me, but I was too queasy to take a sip of it. When the door opened and my eyes met her icy blue ones, my heart started to race.

We'd been texting for a few weeks now but this was much more intense. Talking face to face was intimidating, especially since my trial was in a week and I had a million burning questions.

"Hi," I waved. She gave me a small, untrusting smile as she made her way over to the table.

"Hi, Adeline." She muttered, taking the seat across from mine.

"Addy," I corrected her, attempting to give her a warm smile. "That's what my friends call me."

"Friends..." She trailed off, tucking a strand of jet black hair behind her ear. "So, how have you been?"

I stared at her, feeling unnerved by how cold she seemed. I could understand why, considering the rumours that surrounded Cassandra Crawford were intense. She'd been isolated from the world for over a year now and I could only imagine how that had affected her.

"Rather terrible." I shrugged, deciding she deserved the truth. "But that's nothing new. How have you been?"

"Yeah, about the same." She nodded. "That's not new for me either."

"Do you want to order something? I can buy it for you?" I offered, gesturing to the counter. "The hot chocolate here is really good."

"Oh, no, I'm okay." Cassandra mumbled.

"What's your favourite film?" I blurted out, wanting to find something to talk about.

She stared at me as if I were insane before saying, "Maybe, Pride & Prejudice."

"I've not seen it." I smiled, "we should watch it some time."

It was a somewhat shallow attempt at trying to be her friend. She had a hard exterior, I knew that, but I wanted to break it. I think she needed a friend more than anything.

"I don't mean this in a rude way, but I'm not looking for a friend, Adeline." She shot out, her walls closing around her. "I want to help you get through your trial, but I don't want friends. They don't suit me."

"Of course they suit you, everyone needs friends." I tried to come across as my old happy self. "I think you need a friend."

A glimmer of guilt flashed in her eyes but she remained stoic. "Let's just talk about what we came here for: The trial." Drumming her fingers on the table she spoke, "do you know who your witnesses are?"

"My brother Declan, he was the first one I told." I swallowed hard, trying to hold it together. "And this girl, Gabriella, she saw me that night."

She nodded, taking in my words. "Listen, I'm not going to lie and say this will be easy, because it won't. I lost my trial, mostly because I fucked up but also because it was his word against mine." She sucked in a deep breath. "He will be there, Adeline. Staring at you with his lifeless eyes and I need you to not look at him. Don't let him in because if you do, it will ruin everything."

I didn't know what she meant when she said she had fucked up the trial. I also wasn't sure if I should ask.

"The prosecutor will be pushy and rude. You need to try and ignore that." She continued on, at a rapid pace. "Focus on you and nothing else."

"I'm scared, Cassandra." I met her eyes and swallowed. "Terrified, actually."

"I know." She nodded, a softness washing over her features. "It'll be okay. No matter what happens, I will believe you."

"And I'll believe you." I agreed, taking comfort in her presence. "Even if you don't want to be my friend, I'll still be here."

A small smile pulled at her lips. "You make it hard to push you away."

"I get that a lot," I laughed. "It's in my genes."

I was my mother's daughter when it came to things like this. I hated leaving people out on their own when I knew they needed someone.

"You'll have to let me know how it goes." Cassandra sighed, leaning back in her chair. "And you can text before if you have any questions."

"I'll text." I agreed. "You won't be getting rid of me very easily, Cassandra. I like you and I think I'm just what you need."

"I don't need anyone, Adeline." She swallowed hard, keeping her eyes on the table. "I've got to go." She stood up from her chair, "good luck."

"Thanks." I gave her one last smile before she headed towards the door.

I let the feeling of loneliness settle back into my heart, as I stared at the empty seat. Cassandra was the only person who truly understood me. We shared the same trauma, the same terror and fear.

So with her gone, I let another wave wash over me, pulling me another inch away from shore.

I was almost too far to be brought back to land.

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did anyone catch my pride & prejudice hint from my theo cass fic ;))

also ntm on cass she doesn't trust anyone and for good fucking reason

happy new year!!
i love you

xoxo

-Freyja