Clean

for the better

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"I know it's for the better, know it's for the better"

March 17, 2005

Since my failed attempt at telling Gerard about the rape, I'd been drowning. Or maybe dying inside was a better choice of words. I felt like all the hope was ripped out of me.

I'd never be able to tell anyone. The words 'I was raped' would never leave my mouth, and that made me furious. The emotions I was feeling weren't easy to deal with, it was like everyday I woke up to a new feeling in my stomach. Whether it was dread, guilt, shame, anger or devastation, I knew I'd be barely surviving the day.

Everyone noticed something was wrong, and everyone constantly asked.  My parents, my brothers, Grace, Gerard, even Miss Lucy asked me in ballet. But no matter how many times I was given the opportunity to tell them, I didn't.

And as wrong as it was that made me bitter.

I couldn't stop myself from lashing out on everyone.

"Hello, Ballerina," Gerard smiled as he stepped into my bedroom.

"Hi," I forced out alongside a smile.

He took a seat on my bed and I stared at him from where I was stretching on the floor. I had rehearsals for Swan Lake soon, and my mind hadn't exactly been on that.

"How are you, Addy?" He examined my face and that made me more frustrated, because why couldn't I just be fine.

"I'm good," I lied, exhaling a sigh.

"I haven't seen you since you ran out on me," He frowned, "I was starting to think you'd found a replacement."

"No, Ger," I shook my head, "No replacement, just a lot of practicing to do."

He nodded uncertainly before saying, "Do you want to talk about what you were going to tell me?"

"No," I said so fast it shocked me, "It's not important. Let's just drop it."

"I don't want to drop it, Ads," He frowned, "You can tell me. You know I love you."

"Do you?" I questioned, not knowing why I felt so angry at him.

It wasn't his fault I was a pathetic coward who couldn't just say the words.

"You know I do, Adeline."

"Then what are we doing here?" I asked, standing from the floor and walking over to my bed.

"What do you mean?" he furrowed his brows, as I stood between his legs, while he sat on the edge of my bed.

"If you love me, then show me," I took his hands and placed them on my hips.

"Addy..." His voice trailed off and he swallowed hard.

"What?" I murmured, "We are always dancing around our feelings. So, lets just do this."

I leaned down to press my lips to his but he backed away.

"Oh," I whispered, "Okay."

"Adeline," He looked intently at me, "I love you, I always have. But this isn't how I want this to go. I want to talk about what's going on with you."

Feeling myself swell with both embarrassment and anger, I stepped back from him and laughed, "Classic. I finally let you in and you push me away. You flirt with me constantly and I give you what you want and you reject me."

"I'm not rejecting you, I just think it's for the better if we don't do this now," He explained, trying to grab my hand but I snatched it away.

"For the better?!" I laughed manically, "Of course you'd say that."

I was losing it. He was right, I didn't want to have our first kiss like this, so why was I freaking out?

"Adeline, I'm sorry. I just think we should talk."

"Oh, please! All we ever do is talk. It's been years of talking around our feelings and I'm sick of it!" I was yelling now and tears were streaming down my cheeks.

"Because I don't want to kiss right now?Something is going on with you, Ads, and I want to help."

"You can't!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means you fucking can't, Gerard! Jesus Christ, do you listen?"

He stood up and took my hands in his, "I'm sorry."

"No," I wiped my eyes, "You're right. This is for the better."

I stepped away from him and towards the bathroom.

"Addy, please. I'm sorry, I'll drop it."

"Forget it," I forced a smile, "I'm going to shower and when I get out, you'll be gone."

I stepped into the bathroom and Gerard followed behind me, "Addy-" I cut him off by closing the door in his face.

Then I curled up in a ball on the floor and told myself I'd be better off dead. Gerard was everything to me—he always had been—and I'd just done that to him. Adeline from last year would be furious with me.

But I wasn't her anymore.

I felt like a robot, programmed to just get through the day, and I was even failing at that. I peeled off my clothes, careful not to look at myself in the mirror because these days I couldn't even stomach that. When I did, all I could see was the damage Stephan caused me.

I hated myself. I hated what he'd done to me. He turned me mean and weak.

And the worst part was, I knew Gerard would forgive me and I knew I'd do it all again.

It was starting to feel like the walls were closing in on me and I might not make it out alive.

But I was also starting to feel like I might not care if I didn't.

———————————————————

i will not hear any adeline hate

i promise it won't be like this forever

i love you guys

xoxo

-Freyja