Clean

no more sunshine

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"I think I'm burnin' alive, but nobody sees the fire, 'cause when I open my mouth, I seem to be stuck in silence"

January 31, 2005

It had been a month since Stephan McGarry raped me.

The feeling of nausea hadn't passed and neither had the feeling of being unclean. Everywhere I went his hands were on me and his words were echoing in my head.

It wasn't fair.
He stole my life from me and at what cost.

I had spent the past five hours—yes, five—in the dance studio. My feet were numb from being on pointe but I hardly noticed. Nothing hurt as bad as the ache in my chest.

Everyday that passed, I felt myself withdraw from reality more and more. My mam's concern was growing and my ability to hide my pain was becoming impossible.

Every time I passed Stephan in the hall, a new part of me broke. And he knew it. He always wore a smug smirk on his face when he saw me.

He knew I hadn't told anyone, and he knew he'd won. And that made me even more disgusted with myself. I was never the type of girl to keep things to myself, in fact I would've love to take Stephan down and ruin his entire life.

But he had broken that girl.
He stole my power, broke my soul and left my lifeless shell here.

I felt completely helpless. I was drowning and I would never get air again. Doing one last fouetté, I then dropped to the ground and untied my Pointe shoes.

And before I knew it I was in tears, sobbing my heart out on the cold wood floor. Because why the hell did this happen to me? I was happy before the rape. Actually no, I was naive.

I was too fucking nice to him.
I followed him up to Hughie's room and I didn't stop him from kissing me.

I didn't scream nearly loud enough and I didn't fight hard enough.

I was weak, I was pathetic and I was a fucking mess.

I tried to catch my breath, as I flung my shoes off my feet and threw them at the wall in anger.

When I finally collected myself, I shoved everything into my bag and threw a jumper over my head. Deciding I didn't want to be in a car with anyone, I began walking home.

I didn't care that it was pouring rain and shockingly cold. I didn't care that my feet were numb and exhausted from the amount of strain I put on them. I didn't care that it was half nine at night. I just didn't care.

When I walked through my front door a half hour later, I felt nothing. I couldn't even be angry anymore when I let this happen to me.

"There you are," Grace appeared in front of me, "I've been here since seven. We were all starting to get worried."

"I was at the studio," I mumbled, wishing she would go away.

I felt that a lot lately, that I wished everyone would just go away. Because I was dying inside and no one noticed.

I was fucking raped and the world kept turning.
And that was the scariest thing of all.