Clean

lifes purpose

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

April 6, 2005

I was pretty much choosing to zone out the conversation happening around me. I kept my eyes trained on a picture of the Eiffel Tower and anxiously tapped my foot on the ground.

"Do you understand, Adeline?" My lawyer, Chris, asked me with a serious expression on his face.

He was supposed to be intimidating but I couldn't bring myself to take him seriously. He had bright red hair and a big bushy beard and these little round glasses.

"Yeah," I shrugged, "it's whatever."

I hadn't been listening to a word of what was happening around me, so I had no idea what I was claiming to understand.

"Pet, do you have any questions?" Mam dabbed her eyes with a tissue, trying to hide her tears.

"No."

"Are you sure, Addy? You can ask anything you want," Dad encouraged. "This is your team."

I looked around the table at all the people dressed in professional attire and I felt more vulnerable than I ever had.

"Do I have to see him," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "in court?"

"He will be there," Chris nodded, "he will be seated on one side of the court room, and we will be on the other. He'll be there to watch your testimony and vice versa."

I inhaled a deep breath, trying to understand what the hell this meant. He'd be sitting there staring at me with those lifeless eyes as I talked about the details of what he did to me.

"So, what exactly is happening?" I sighed.

"You've got a preliminary-hearing in a week," Chris explained, "and then a trial date will be set."

The word trial hit me like a ton of bricks. It all seemed so serious now. I mean, I wanted him to go to jail, I wanted him to suffer and never be able to hurt another girl. But trial was a big deal, I'd seen them in movies and heard my Dad talk about them and it seemed so...intense?

"It will be okay, Adeline," Dad rubbed my back, obviously noticing my distress.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I just didn't think it would happen so soon."

"Your father is very persuasive," Chris chuckled. "He made it happen."

"So, what?" I mumbled, "I'm supposed to sit there and tell everyone what happened?"

"I know it seems daunting, but I'll be there the whole time," Chris assured me, like that was supposed to put me at ease.

"We will all be there," Mam squeezed my hand.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and cry and tell them that their words didn't make it any better. I didn't want them to sit there with teary eyes and looks of sympathy while I explained how I was stupid enough to go upstairs with him. How I laughed at his jokes and let him kiss me. How I didn't fucking fight hard enough.

I didn't want anyone to hear it.
I didn't want to repeat it. I'd already told the police and my lawyers, so why the hell did I have to tell an entire room of people.

"I want to go home," I blurted out, my emotions getting the better of me.

"Honey-"

"Take me home."

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An hour later I was in the dance studio. My mind was fully immersed in the music and my body completed every move with ease.

I'd been practicing this number since I was ten years old. I'd dreamed of being Odette the moment I first watched the ballet. It was pretty much my life's purpose, and I was radiating with happiness that I got to be her, even if it was just for a school performance. I knew scouts would be there, and I knew they'd be taking note of me.

Maybe I was full of myself or maybe it was just the facts. I knew I was a good dancer, I'd dedicated my life to it. I wasn't one to half ass my passion, and this—dance—was most definitely my passion.

I'd had every intention of going pro with it. I'd known that even before the rape, but the whole thing only solidified it for me. It had broken something inside me. It had forced me into a dark hole of sadness and despair and ballet brought me back to life. I felt completely different about ballet. Before it was my just my passion but now it was my escape, my lifeline.

I let the music carry my every move, ignoring the ache in my feet, as I did pirouette after pirouette.

"Hey," Declan's voice came from the doorway and I fell out of a turn to look at him.

"Hi," I mumbled, my anger from earlier returning.

I was so angry. I didn't even have a reason to be, I just was. No one understood me. No one understood how it felt to deal with all this shit.

"I just wanted to check on you," he muttered. "Mam mentioned you seemed upset."

"I'm not," I lied.

"I think you're forgetting who you're talking to," he chuckled, stepping into the room. "I know when you're lying."

"I don't want to talk about it," I snapped, grabbing my water bottle from the floor.

"And we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know I'm here," he gave me a genuine smile. "You can tell me anything and I'll always be on your side. We shared the womb, Ads.

"Ew," I wrinkled my nose, "don't say things like that." I couldn't stop myself from laughing. "Thanks, though, I really love you, Dec."

"Yeah, I love you too, Ads," he nodded. "I'll leave you to practicing, I wouldn't want to mess up the flow or whatever."

"Do you even know what you're talking about?" I laughed.

"No, not really," he gave me a shrug and then headed out of the room.

I smiled to myself but was internally fighting a mixture of devastation and fury. I fucking wished someone could understand how I felt. I wish I could explain my feelings but it seemed like I could never get them out.

So, I did the only thing I could think of, I picked up my phone and typed out a text. I opened a new contact under Cassandra and sent 'hi, it's addy' and then went back to rehearsing.

If anyone would understand it'd be her.
Or at least I hoped she would.

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guys i promise im in the worst mood because i got a fucking speeding ticket and then cried for literally an hour, so this chapter is straight shit but let's ignore that!!!

anyways

i love you

xoxo

-Freyja