Clean

the third degree

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

January 10, 2005

"Adeline, pet, how was school?" My mother greeted me when I walked in the door after school.

Bad! Horrible! I saw the guy that raped me.

"It was fine," I shrugged, taking a seat on one of the bar stools.

"And you're eating, right?" She eyed me.

"Yep, salad and almonds. Sticking to my diet," I nodded.

"That's not what I meant, love," Mam pursed her lips, "I meant are you eating enough."

My mam was constantly worrying about how much I ate, and not in the typical way. She wanted me to eat as much as I wanted. She was well aware that in ballet it was drilled into your head that you should be thin and that my teacher put me on strict diets to maintain my figure.

"Yep, breakfast lunch and a snack," I lied.

It wasn't that I wanted to lose weight, it was that I felt sick to my stomach at all times. Knowing that the seventy-two hour window they gave to collect rape evidence was far gone, made me extremely anxious.

If I came forward I'd have no forensic evidence. All I had was the clothes I'd worn, that were shoved in a bag under my bed and the various photos I took of the bruises on my body.

It was basically his word against mine and unfortunately we lived in a world where men had all the power.

"Are you alright, love? You seem down," Mam frowned, coming over to hug me.

Being in my mother's arms, nearly had me in tears.

"Yeah," I swallowed hard, "I'm okay."

"You're sure? You seem off," She continued to hold me.

"Who seems off?" My brother asked, tossing his training bag on the floor and sitting on the stool next to me.

"Addy," She rubbed my back, "Does she seem off to you?"

"A little," He shrugged, "Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing!" I said louder than I meant to, "Nothing is wrong, so just quit asking! God, I don't need the third degree."

It was mean. I knew it was but why the fuck was no one listening? And why the fuck couldn't I just tell them what happened?

It was like I was frozen, my mind was telling me what to do, but my body was refusing it. I was fucked in the head, so fucked I was yelling at my family.

My mam's eyes widened and she looked shocked.

"Jaysus," Johnny gasped, "You don't need to be so aggressive about it."

"Sorry," I muttered, "I'm sorry, Mam. I just really want to do well in auditions and it's stressing me out."

"It's okay, pet," She soothed me, "We know you'll do amazing."

"Addy, you're the best bleeding dancer in the school," Johnny smiled, "And probably in all of Ballylaggin, you will do great."

"Thanks," I forced a smile and tried to make it seem like their words were comforting me.