Clean

poisoned inside

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"Push away all the people who know me the best"

April 13, 2005

I was spiraling.
If you could even call it that. It was more like I was losing my fucking mind.

If this was what the hearing did to me, I could only imagine how bad the trial would fuck me up.

I couldn't stop the little voice in my head from telling me that I needed to isolate myself from everyone. My family obviously wouldn't leave me. No matter what I did they were stuck to me like glue. Grace was out of the way considering our fight, so that left one person.

Gerard Gibson. The one person I wanted to let into my twisted mind. But I couldn't. I refused to let him sit in those stands and watch me describe every terrifying traumatic detail of my rape.

He'd never see me the same. It would ruin us. The only way that he wouldn't go to my trial, was if I destroyed his love for me.

Which was easy these days. I seemed to hurt everyone even if I wasn't trying.

When my bedroom door opened, I knew it was him. I knew the sound of his footsteps, the pattern of his breathing, I knew it all. I loved him. I loved him more than I had ever loved anything. But I was broken inside, I was only going to break him too.

"Hey, Addy, baby," he chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

I felt my heart break, I was terrible. I was evil. I was poisoned. I needed to set him free.

Tears were immediately pooling in my eyes and that's when I knew.

It was inevitable. No matter how much my heart screamed at me, my brain wouldn't let it win. This was the right thing. This needed to happen. I needed to save him from me.

"Hey, are you okay?" His voice softened and he knelt down between my legs to look me in my tear filled eyes.

"I can't do this," I blurted out.

"You can't do what?" He asked. "I think you can do anything you set your mind to, ballerina."

Please, stop.

"Don't do that," I choked out. "Please, just don't say anything."

I could see his eyes flash with worry, "what's the matter?"

"I need to end this."

"End what?" His eyes were begging me not to say the words, even though we both knew I would.

"This." I swallowed down a sob. "Us."

"Adeline," his voice cracked, "you don't mean that."

No, no, I don't.

"Yes, I do."

My heart was breaking in my chest and I wanted to hold him. I wanted to tell him I didn't mean this. I wanted him to know my fucked up mind was causing this. He was causing this.

But he wouldn't understand. He wouldn't know what I meant if I told him that there was something wrong with my head. I couldn't fight it anymore, I couldn't pretend. Stephan had broken me. He'd torn my mind to shreds and he lived in its absence.

"Why?" His voice shook and a tear fell onto his cheek.

"Gerard," I shook my head, fighting my tears.

"Adeline, what is this?" He cried, "why are you doing this?"

"Because I have to do this!" I practically screamed but it came out as more of a muffled sob.

"Why?! I don't understand why." His response was full of emotion.

"To protect you," I cried. "Just trust me on this."

"You want me to trust you? You're breaking my heart."

"Please. It'll be better for us in the long run." My tears were blurring my vision but I knew he was crying too.

"There is no us."

His words were like a slap in the face. They knocked the air from my lungs and I felt like I'd never breathe again.

"You're right," I nodded.

I  couldn't give him false hope. It had to be a clean break. It had to hurt so that he'd never want to see me again. I couldn't have him in that court room.

His grey eyes met mine and I almost gave in. He looked utterly devastated and confused.

This is why you have to do it! You're poison.

He wiped the tears off his cheeks and stood up, walking all the way to the door silently before pausing and looking me dead in the eyes. "I loved you, Addy. I loved you more than anything."

And then he turned and left my room. His words hung in the air like a noose waiting to wrap around my neck. I dropped to the floor and sobbed my heart out.

I sobbed so loud my head throbbed and my throat burned. I wanted everything to go away. I didn't deserve anything, I was a mess. I was broken and dirty and ruined.

"Addy?" Johnny's voice came from the doorway.

I slowly lifted my head from my hands and looked to him. I was still sobbing, I couldn't stop it.

He was dropping down on the ground in front of me and pulling me into his arms in record time.

"It's going to be okay," he soothed me. "Whatever happened, you'll get through it. I know you, and I know you're a fighter."

His words only made me sob harder. I wasn't a good person like he thought. I was anything but.

"I'm....sorry," I sobbed, "for yelling at...you...and Grace."

"It's okay, Ads," he shushed me. "Don't worry. We both love you so much."

You shouldn't.
Don't love me.
Stop loving me.

——————————————————————

swear to god i've been plotting this since chapter one

not too much on my girl addy she is heavily relieving her trauma due to the trial approaching

um anyways

i love you

xoxo

-Freyja