Clean

anything but ideal

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

March 20, 2005

It was half nine at night and I was completely exhausted. The day had consisted of questioning by the Gards, my mam not leaving me alone for a minute, my dad angrily yelling into his phone, Johnny looking at me with tears in his eyes and Declan apologizing to me every five minutes.

It wasn't exactly my ideal day, and I wanted to be left alone but at this rate that was never going to happen.

"Pet, can I get you something? Tea, a snack?" Mam tucked my hair behind my ear, and looked at me with that same look everyone had been using.

It was a mix between sympathy, sadness and uncertainty. And to me, it might've been the worst part of everyone finding out.

They all had that same look in their eyes.

"Just some tea," I nodded, hoping that would get her off my back for a minute.

I was struggling with the fact that everyone knew what had happened to me. I had to force my parents out of the room when I described the rape because I didn't want them to hear the details.

Grace and Gerard were both either avoiding my house or been asked to give me space because neither of them had come over today. Which only annoyed me further.

I needed them. Gerard and I might've been fighting but I knew we'd be over it the second we saw each other.

"Addy, I really am sorry," Declan sniffled, from the other side of the couch, "I was just so mad, I wasn't thinking."

"I know," I mumbled for the one thousandth time, "I've already forgiven you, Dec."

"Yeah, I'm just so fucking sorry, Ads," He dropped his head into his hands.

"She said it's fine," Johnny snapped, obviously feeling the stress from today.

"It's not though."

"Well no shite, but stop bugging her."

"I'm just apologizing."

"Yeah, and you've done it enough."

"Can you both just stop!" I yelled making my brothers snap their mouths shut, "What's done is done. So, lets just live with the fact that this is our life now." I stood up from the couch and stormed upstairs.

I was furious because I knew I was the cause of the tension in my family. They could stare at me with their big sad eyes all they wanted but nothing would change what happened. It might've seemed like now that the secret was out, all the stress could dissipate but I didn't feel any different than I did three months ago.

I still couldn't look at myself in the mirror without seeing him all over me, I couldn't sleep in the dark because I was terrified he'd appear, I couldn't get him out of my head or off my body and I couldn't stop the feeling of terror from coursing through my veins.

I slammed my bedroom door shut and dropped onto my bed, less than thirty seconds later my mam was charging through the door.

"Love, what's the matter?"

"Nothing!" I shouted, "Can I not just sit in my room? I don't need to be monitored, I've managed just fine for these past three months."

I didn't want to be mean, but it felt like that's all I could be these days.

"Adeline," Mam's eyes welled with tears and she sat down next to me, "I'm so sorry. I know you must want space but I'm terrified of leaving you alone. You went three months with this going on and I had no idea. What kind of mother does that make me?" She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "You are my only daughter, and my best friend. I can't stomach losing you, I might seem overbearing but I can't help it."

I felt the familiar lump form in my throat and I clung to my mam, "I'm sorry I'm being so mean." I sobbed, "I just don't know what to do with all this. I love you so much."

"Oh, Adeline, I love you," Mam's voice cracked, and she pulled me to her chest, "I wish you would have come to me."

I stayed crying in my mams arms for what must've been a solid half hour. When my tears were dry, I pulled away from her chest and sniffled, "How much longer will I have to deal with the Gard's."

"Your father says it's going to be a long process," Mam rubbed my back, "They've taken Ste-" She cleared her throat, "Him into custody. It's just a matter of prosecuting him."

"What about the charges on Dec? Is he going to be alright?"

Stephan had the audacity to charge Declan with assault. When I had woken up and learned this information, I actually laughed like a complete maniac. Because if that was his idea of assault then what he'd done to me was much worse.

"Your fathers been working on getting those dropped," Mam nodded, "It seems like it will be an easy fix considering what happened."

"Good," I nodded, standing up from my bed, "Mam?"

"Yes?"

"Do you mind if I invite Gerard over? I know I'm not supposed to have sleepovers with lads but I really need him."

She inhaled a deep breath before nodding, "Okay, but don't tell Johnny, we don't need him losing his head. And Adeline, love, be smart and safe."

"Thank you," I grinned, reaching for my phone to fire off a text to Gerard.

I really did need him. If anyone could make me feel even the slightest bit like myself, it was him. I didn't care that we had fought, the boy would be there for me no matter what.

And that meant more to me than anything.

Especially when everything was so fucked up.

Because somehow he always knew how to make it better. Gerard Gibson was the reason I pushed through so many times.

He owned my heart and my soul, and he could break them as many times as he wanted, because I knew he'd always make it better.

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i'm back!!

hi i missed you guys so here's the long awaited update

i love you

xoxo

-Freyja