Clean

block me out

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"I wish that I could block me out"

April 12, 2005

I was sick.
Actually throwing up with my head in the toilet, sick.

My mam was rubbing my back in an attempt to be comforting but it wasn't working. Nothing was ever going to make me better.

I'd just attended my preliminary hearing and it only solidified the fact that I couldn't handle a trial. This was already too much. I didn't want to do this over again, I didn't want to explain what happened to me in detail while my friends and family listened.

"Shh, pet," Mam said calmly, holding my hair back from falling into the toilet. "You did wonderful."

I didn't do wonderful. I froze, genuinely stopped mid-sentence and just stared at the audience in pure terror. The defence lawyer kept asking me questions that made it seem like this was my fault.

The second the judge slammed their mallet thingy on the table and said court was adjourned, I ran straight for the bathroom and threw up the entire contents of my stomach.

Taking a giant deep breath, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and collapsed into my mother's arms.

"I'm proud of you, Adeline," she held me tight against her chest. "I love you."

I sobbed so loud and so hard, the force of it burned my lungs. I clung to my mam like she would somehow take all my pain away.

"Make it stop, mammy," I cried, needing some sort of relief.

I knew my mam was crying, I could feel the slight shake in her shoulders, and I knew she was trying to keep it together for me.

"Why me?" I sobbed, all the emotions I tried so hard to keep inside poured out of me like a tsunami. "Why did this happen to me?"

"Oh, baby," she choked out. "I don't know. I wish I could make it stop."

I desperately tried to catch my breath, because falling apart was doing me no good. It wasn't helping. I'd still have to go to the trial at the end of the month and I'd still be the girl who was raped.

I stayed, crumpled in my mam's arms for what must've been a good fifteen minutes before I found the strength to walk to the sink and rinse out my mouth.

I took one look at my mam's tear stained face and felt my heart break in two. This affected more than just me. Everyone around me was getting hurt in the process.

I was almost glad I was in a fight with Grace because that meant she didn't have to endure the torture that was listening to my testimony. I had also begged Gerard, Johnny and Declan all not to come.

I knew they'd come to the trial, I wouldn't be able to stop them but for now, I protected them from this and that would have to do.

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The second I got home I went straight into my room and climbed into my bed. I was drained. Seeing Stephan sit there and stare at me while I described that night, the smug look on his face when I froze, it was all too much for me.

I wanted to be left alone.
I wanted to disappear from the world.

I pulled the blankets over my head and closed my eyes. I wished I could go back to that night. I would have never gone to that stupid party, I wouldn't have talked to Stephan, I wouldn't have gone upstairs with him and everything would be okay. I'd be okay.

But I couldn't go back.
I couldn't change the past.

This was a part of me. He was a part of me. I could scream at the naive Addy as she walked up the stairs, I could yell at her and tell her to get out of that bedroom but it wouldn't change it. I couldn't stop it.

All I could do was wish.

My phone was chiming, obviously Gerard was texting me asking how it went but instead of answering I silenced it and tossed it across the room. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I didn't want to talk about it.

I didn't want anyone knowing the details.
I didn't want this.

I was trapped in my own head.
I needed to block it out.
I need to block me out.