Clean

promises to stay

ﾟ:* ✶ Gibsie ✶ ﾟ:*

March 20, 2005

I was pacing my room. I hadn't stopped since I'd gotten home from the manor yesterday. I was freaking out, or maybe panicking was more like it.

Because Addy was raped.
And I hadn't seen the signs.

Looking back on it, it was so fucking obvious. Her anger, her fear, her sadness, everything. I know blaming yourself is the last thing you're supposed to do in this situation but I should've seen the signs—I mean me of all people.

I was furious with myself, because I should've been there. I'd hung out with Stephan, I'd laughed with him and been fucking nice to him, all while he'd raped the girl I loved. I was scared that if I saw him, I'd kill him.

Because that's what I was willing to do for Adeline Kavanagh.

I wanted to charge over to the manor and hold Addy in my arms, because I knew how she must be feeling.

My phone chimed, making me rush towards it and my shoulders sank in relief when I noticed it was a text from Adeline.

She was inviting me over and fuck I'd never been more thankful to receive a text.

I shoved my feet into a pair of sneakers in record time and practically sprinted out of the house.

I was climbing out of my car and walking to the front door of the manor twenty minutes later. I pushed the door open, and tried my best to creep upstairs.

The last thing I needed was Johnny giving me a lecture on not fucking with his sister.

I gave Adeline's door a soft knock and she pulled it open. My heart broke but also felt whole at the sight of her. She was dressed in sweats and a jumper, with puffy red eyes.

"Hi," She whispered, as I stepped into the room and shut the door behind me.

My arms were immediately wrapped around her waist and hers were around my neck.

"Addy," My voice cracked and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it together.

"Don't say anything," She sniffled, her shoulders shaking, alerting me she was crying, "Just hold me and don't let go."

I gently lowered us onto her bed and lay down with her next to me—her arms still wrapped around my neck—clinging onto me like she was afraid I'd disappear.

Which I wouldn't. I wasn't going anywhere, not without her at least.

After a solid fifteen minutes of silence, Adeline hugged me tighter and mumbled, "Thank you for coming."

"Don't thank me, Ads, you know I'd be here no matter what," I let my hand trace circles along her back.

"You'll sleepover?" She asked.

"Yes," I nodded, "I'll stay as long as you need."

"I think I might need you forever, Gerard."

"Then I'll stay forever."

"I'm scared, Ger," She sniffled, "What if it never gets better? What if I never stop being afraid?"

Good question.

I was scared too. I was seven the first time I was raped, and I was still scared. It'd been six years since the last time and the fear was still consuming. But I couldn't tell her that, I couldn't give her that insight.

"I'll be here," I settled for a different truth, "If the fear never stops, then I'll be here with you."

"You promise?"

"I promise, Adeline. No matter what happens—with us or with this—I'll be here."

It was the wholehearted truth. Adeline was it for me, she was the one person I felt like I could be Gerard around.

"I wanted to tell you," She swallowed hard, pulling back from my chest to look at me, "That day when I went to your house. I tried to tell you but then Johnny came in."

Fucking Johnny.

"I would've listened, Ads. I would've helped."

"I know, it was just so hard to get the words out."

I know!

"Have you talked to the Gards?"

"Yeah," She sighed, "That's what I did all day."

"Did they say anything?" I asked.

"Step- um, he's in custody," She mumbled, "But they aren't sure if they can charge him, there might not be enough evidence."

"Fuck," I scoffed.

If that motherfucker didn't rot in jail, he'd be rotting in hell—my doing or Johnnys.

"Look, I don't really want to talk about it," Addy frowned, "I'm so tired."

"Yeah, of course, we don't have to," I pulled her back to my chest, "We can just sleep."

"Really?" She smiled, and it made my heart warm.

Even if it was a tiny smile, it was still something.

"Yeah," I nodded, "I'm exhausted too."

I hadn't been sleeping, since the past week Adeline and I had been arguing, which meant no sleeping in bed with her.

And my nightmares were not letting up.

Addy sat up and pulled her jumper off, leaving her in a tiny tank top and I followed suit, leaving me bare chested.

"You swear you won't leave me," She confirmed, once she was settled in my arms.

"I promise," I pressed a kiss to her temple, "I'll be here all night."

"Can we sleep with the light on?" She whispered, her face flushing.

"Yeah," I nodded, "Of course."

We settled into a comfortable silence and I closed my eyes.

"I love you," Addy whispered, "I really do."

"I love you too."

The words were so easy to say to her.

But I also knew, I couldn't do anything about it. Not with all the baggage I was carrying.

I refused to put it on her, especially when she had her own shit.

Adeline deserved better than me. She deserved the world.