Clean

prologue

*DISCLAIMER: hughie has nothing to do with what happened, the party was just at his house so his room was yk there.*

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

December 31, 2004

I had to get out. I didn't know where the hell I would go, I just knew it wasn't here.

Pushing myself off of what I assumed was Hughie Biggs bed, I forced my legs to stand. They shook as I took a step to the door, a sign of both terror and pain.

I was a damn ballerina, my legs never shook. But here they were almost making me fall over.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, my saliva being forced down my dry and raw throat. I had barely taken a step and I couldn't bare to move any more.

I felt absolutely broken, but also numb down to the bone.

Like I would never be happy again.
Like I was ruined.

I didn't even know why I came to the Biggs New Year's party. I was a year younger than Hughie and barely any of my friends were here.

But of course I came.

Of fucking course.

Telling myself I had to get out, I managed to make it to the door, my hand shaking as I pulled it open. The several drinks in my system, nearly making a reappearance as the memories of tonight flashed in my mind.

Get out.
Get out, now.

Shakily making my way down the stairs, I tried to force a smile on my face.

"Addy! Hey!" Gerard's voice called from the living room, "I need a New Years kiss! Come here!"

Usually I would jump at the chance to kiss my brother's best friend, but I couldn't even look at him.

Or anyone for that matter.

"I'm going home," I called back, trying to hide the fear in my voice.

Trying to carry my legs as fast as they would move, I bumped into a girl.

"Shit sorry," Gabriella Gray's eyes landed on me, "Are you okay?"

Her eyes were full of concern, which I wasn't surprised about, I could only imagine how I looked.

I had noticed the bruises lining my wrists when I walked down the stairs, and I assumed there were plenty more all over my body.

"Yup," I forced out, pushing past her and managing to make it to the front door.

Stepping outside, I made it three steps before doubling over and releasing the contents of my stomach into the bushes. Gasping for air, I forced myself to stand up.

And walk home, alone, in the dark.

Because I was mad at myself.
Why did I have to be so nice?
Why didn't I scream louder?

I threw up three more times, before walking in the front door of my house. And thanking god that no one was home.

I somehow made it upstairs and into my bathroom, where I peeled off my clothes and shoved them in a bag.

Evidence.
The only bit of evidence.

When my eyes found myself in the mirror, I clamped a hand over my mouth and released a screaming sob.

I then climbed in the shower, turned the water all the way hot and scrubbed my skin, to try and get his hands off me.

But it was no use, I was tainted.

I'd never be clean again.

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im excited for this
(and no it's not happy, you guys know me)

love you

xoxo

-F