Clean

the only exception

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"And my cheeks are growing tired from turning red and faking smiles"

April 9, 2005

I was falling into the hole again.
The hole of anger and hatred and I found myself desperately trying to get out. But it wasn't working.

The whole idea of trial had sent me spiralling. I was back to being the Addy that was trapped underneath him begging for him to get off. I was stuck in that bedroom with my hands pinned to my sides, tears streaming down my cheeks and my soul breaking.

Even now as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, I'm there. I'm always in that fucking bedroom with him. I can't escape it, and I can't stop the feeling of panic that rises in my stomach.

My emotions were so all over the place, I'd ended up in a fight with Grace. We hadn't fought in years and it felt strange not having her to talk to. I meant what I'd said in the fight—at least most of it—but fighting with her was pointless. I needed her right now.

I'd been texting back and forth with Cassandra for the past few days. It was obvious we were both avoiding the topic of Stephan, because it had all been pretty lighthearted, getting to know each other shit.

My bedroom door flung open and I half expected it to be Grace telling me she was over fighting but instead it was Gerard.

"How's my favourite girl in the world?" He grinned, closing the door behind him and climbing into bed with me.

"Alright," I lied, immediately cuddling into his chest.

There were very few places I felt safe, but Gerard's arms was one of them.

"You seem sad," he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Is there something wrong?"

Deciding not to spill to him about the trial and all the fucked up shit inside my head, I went the easier route. "Grace and I are in a fight."

Shock took over his expression, "shit, really? What about?"

"Her and Theo, and how she's doing a lot of flirting with Johnny," I sighed. "I just told her I don't think it's right."

"Knowing Grace she probably didn't take that well," he nodded along, pulling me closer to his chest.

"No, she didn't."

As much as I love Grace, I couldn't sit back and watch her hurt Theo's feelings. He's a really great guy and I felt my heart break for him the night of my party when he was looking for her. I know it wasn't necessarily my business but sometimes Grace just needs a reminder that people have feelings.

But at the same time, she didn't handle criticism well. She didn't like when people told her what to do and that's how the fight grew. I did feel bad, but I knew we'd get over it, we always did.

"Do you think Johnny still has a shot with Grace?" Gerard asked.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Grace will never stop loving him, and that's why it's all so fucked up."

"I have a feeling it'll all work out," Gerard mumbled, his voice muffled by my hair. "And if it doesn't, you'll always have me."

His words went straight to my heart and wrapped me in a tight blanket of comfort.

"I love you, Ger," I smiled, burying my face into his chest.

"I love you, Ads."

"Can we watch a film?" I asked.

"Yes, of course," he chuckled. "You pick."

"Star Wars," I blurted out the first film that came to mind. I just wanted something to occupy my thoughts. I wanted Stephan out of my head, I'd do anything to get him out.

"Alright, your wish is my command, Ballerina," he gave me a playful wink before climbing out of my bed and heading over to the DVD player.

I pulled myself into a sitting position and wrapped my arms around my knees. I watched him as he dug through the stacks of DVDs, only feeling safe by his presence. I hated men, I hated being around them but he was the exception.

I would never be cuddled up in bed with anyone else because I would be paralyzed with fear. There was something so safe about Gerard, I knew he would never hurt me. I'd known it the first time I met him, there was something special about him.

I was so in love with the boy it was almost scary.

"Come back to bed," I giggled, patting the spot next to me.

"Oh, I'm coming," he gave me a cheeky grin, and immediately climbed in beside me.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I cuddled up to him. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering towards sex. We'd only been officially dating a few days yet we'd already gone to second base. I was nervous and a bit terrified but it was actually really nice. He put me at complete ease and assured me he'd stop at anytime, and after about two minutes into it I realized I didn't want him to stop.

In my mind that was a small victory. A sliver of hope that maybe things could be normal, or at least feel normal.

"Have you always loved me?" I blurted out, like I didn't already know the answer.

He looked to me. His grey eyes meeting my brown ones and my face instantly heated up. "Yes, Adeline. I loved you from the day I first saw you."

I leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. I needed his words, they were the only thing that helped me.

"And I did too," I nodded, laying my head against his chest so I could listen to his heartbeat.

I needed this boy like I needed to breathe.
But I couldn't help the feeling of dread pooling in my stomach.

Something was off.
Something inside of me was wrong.