Clean

salt in the wound

ﾟ:* ✶ Gibsie ✶ ﾟ:*

"Cause we were happy, we were happy"

April 14, 2005

I was heartbroken.
If that could even encapsulate what I was feeling.

Adeline was everything to me. I'd never loved anyone like her. I couldn't even begin to describe the feelings coursing through my body as I lay in my bed. As much as I hated being in this room, staring at the ceiling, it's all I could do.

Her words were like a broken record playing on a loop in a torturous mind numbing way. Memories of the past five years assaulted me like punches to the gut, causing internal damage that would never heal. I would never heal from this, from her.

In a way, I was already broken before her. My childhood had shattered the pieces of me, and she built me back up. Adeline picked up the pieces, bringing me to life in a whole new way. I never could've imagined she'd be the one to break them again.

To add salt to the wound, I had reread the yellowing, crinkled paper in my hands nearly seventy-three times now. The words striking me in the chest, a feeling I knew all too well.

I am yours, I've always been yours.

Her words were ringing in my ears.

Do you ever think we are what happens to us?

I shook my head, desperate to get her out of it. It was an impossible task, she'd been the sole thought in my head since I was twelve years old.

Folding up the paper, I slipped it back in its usual spot under my mattress. There was no use in looking at it, it wouldn't change anything.

This is the best birthday ever, I love you.

I think I might need you forever, Gerard.

I pushed the heels of my palms into my eyes, wanting her out of my head. I just wanted some peace. She should've been peace for me—she had been for years—but now she was pain.

I wanted to call her, I wanted her to want me back. She'd broken my heart with no explanation other than "it'd be better in the long run". I didn't know what she meant, how was this going to get better.

How were we ever supposed to move past this? She'd taken the last five years and crushed it in her pretty little hands.

Someone knocked on my door and before I could answer, it swung open. I wasn't surprised to see my best friend standing there, a look of sadness on his face.

"How are you holding up, buddy?" He frowned.

"I've been better," I shrugged, pretending that I wasn't just crying over his little sister.

Johnny strolled into my room, closing the door behind him. He gave me a smile, "look what I brought." He pulled his hands out from behind his back and revealed a Love Actually DVD.

Another memory slammed into me like a freight train.

Taking my hand and pulling herself up she snorted, "Why would we watch Love Actually? It's February, Ger."

"I know it's February, you're forgetting I was born this month," I scoffed, "And we are watching Love Actually, because it's a cinematic masterpiece."

"I would never forget your birthday," She smiled, following me out of the studio, "The big one seven is coming up."

Blinking away the memory I looked back to Johnny who was smiling at me. The gesture was supposed to be sweet, but it just reminded me of her.

"Why do you look like I just killed your cat?" Johnny frowned, "I thought this was your favourite film."

"Yeah," I nodded. "It was."

Realization washed over my best friend's features, "shite, I knew this was a long shot." He tossed the DVD onto my dresser, "let's just play playstation. I'm getting rusty."

"I'm down to kick your ass," I forced a smile.

I watched as Johnny queued up the television and playstation, while I perched on my bed.

"How is she?" I blurted out, when he handed me a controller.

He sucked his teeth between his lips before saying, "she's been in bed all day. Grace was in with her yesterday, apparently it's just been a lot of crying."

A wave of sadness washed over me, reminding me that she was in fact hurting too. However, the sadness was quickly replaced with anger when I remembered we could've both been fine if she didn't end things.

Keeping my eyes trained on the bed, I spoke, "this won't come between us, right?"

"Never," he shook his head. "You're my Gibs."

"And you're my Kav," I smiled.

Chuckling, he hopped into bed next to me and grabbed his controller. "Now, you can mope all you want but only if you kick my arse in Call of Duty."

"I could do that with my eyes closed." I teased, focusing on the screen in front of me.

"Yeah, why don't you then?"

"Because that's an unfair advantage on your behalf," I shrugged.

"Shut up," he laughed. "I'll show you just how good I am, ya little bollox."

I shook my head, hitting X on my controller to signify that I was ready to play. I was grateful for this—the distraction—and for Johnny. His little sister had just torn my heart to pieces and here he was playing video games with me like nothing had changed.

I tried to block out the fact that his presence reminded me of Addy's. His smile wasn't as bright as hers but it held the same dimples. He was taller and broader but the way he leaned forward, with a look of focus on his face was identical to the way she did.

He was my best friend, but so was she. My heart clenched at the thought of losing her forever. I loved her. I'd loved her since the minute I laid eyes on her at twelve years old. The golden blonde hair surrounding her angelic face would haunt me for as long as lived.

Because I knew deep down, it was her or nothing.
She'd left an Addy shaped hole inside my heart, and it wouldn't be repaired without her touch.