MY SECOND BUT TRUE LOVE #Wattys2016

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

Amour

On the floor, I was disintegrating into subdued splinters. My strength was shattering into pieces. Patience grew light as dust. Hopes plummeted from the cliff of expectations and dispersed on the barren land. The inferno couldn't incriminate our companionship but the fall had endeavoured to separate us, perhaps.

My back leaned against the cold wall. The dim light reflected the tears of agony on my countenance. After refusing to be provided with first aid countless times, the nurse had left me alone on the hard floor. It didn't bother me though. I had no idea how long it had been for me to sit but my lower body was numb. My gaze locked at the closed door, the barricade between Amarion and me. It could open any moment, my each breath and heartbeat reminded. My heart kept whispering that he'd be alright but my mind rose afflicting doubts.

Wasn't he fine? He was cracking jokes and we walked to the window as if nothing disturbing had happened. He pulled me closer to him when we were lying on those life saving mattresses. We were good, weren't we? Only a few seconds changed it all.

His hand was in mine since we had jumped from the window. I looked down at my hand which was stained with blood. Each line carved in my palm was ensanguined, but not with just my blood. My body was getting colder. I felt like throwing my arms around him and showering him with kisses. I needed him.

The shards of glass were still inside me but the ache they gave couldn't compare to the stinges of my soul. The strangers here said nothing about his status. All I could do was hold my heavy heart and wait for the door to open. I had to be patient for someone to tell me he was alive and awake. But what if he didn't make it? That one question drowned me further into the sea of sorrow. Eternal will rescue. And who was supposed to save the eternal?

Time had stopped for me. Silence felt painful. I could hear my heavy breath. The tears from my eyes fell on my palm and washed away the traces of collected blood. The drops fell on my lap and got soaked by the jeans I was wearing. Whimpers and sobs brimmed my chest. Wrath and impatience began budding in my brain.

I wanted to get up and break the damn door. I willed to grab the collar of the annoying nurses and shake the life out of them. What was taking so long? Was Amarion suffering because of me?  Why couldn't they just let me stay with him? Why were we in such a situation? Why am I always pushed into anguish? Why is my love dragged away from me? Why am I supposed to endure the pain of jeopardy?  Why? Why? Why?

"Why?" I groaned and buried my face in my palms. A few people who were crossing by, stared at me as if I belonged in the asylum. None bothered to console me or at least to ask what was wrong. Same glare was given to me throughout the way. The police officers looked at me like that, the people in the ambulance and also the staff of the hospital when I had entered. All those people are humans for classification sake. Couldn't they see what state I was in? I looked like a hobo with my hair messed up and my clothes stained with cinders and blood. My eyes were probably bloodshot and my nose would be brighter red than a clown's.

His smiling face kept flashing before my eyes. The way he didn't give up on looking for me in the ambulance. He was in agony yet he was concerned about me. He didn't let go off my hand. Those brief views of his pupils, gave me hope. It invigorated me. Witnessing his constant struggle was tearing me from the inside. But all I could do was stay by his side, watch him fight with the enigmatic misery. I silently prayed and hushed his name. I didn't know what to do. I felt more and more impotent as the time increased. And when his hand slipped from mine, my heart skipped a beat. I rushed out of the ambulance and followed the stretcher and held his hand. For that brief moment, my chest had turned lifeless. But as soon as we were connected again, the spirits returned to entity. I ran with the medical team who hurried to the hospital building. Surprisingly, all of my wounds didn't hurt or maybe I didn't care. All the attention and concern was for Amarion. I gazed at his face the entire time, trying to read what he had to say. Back at the mall, when he closed his eyes, I thought for a horrifying second that he won't open them back. And again that thought was haunting me when I was running down the hallway. I assured him and myself that we'd be alright and that I won't let anything happen to him. Wouldn't I?

But he opened his eyes and they had something different to convey. The spark of hope had diminished to a glisten. His lips parted and he said those words which made me want to write his name on my heart. "I love you" he had said. I replied that I loved him too and he smiled. His countenance revealed that he assumed it to be a goodbye. With that angelic smile, he closed his eyes. I was left flabbergasted. "No! No!" I yelled repeatedly but he was taken into the operation theatre. The nurses pushed me away and took him away from my sight. Did his eyes close for good? My feet moved back and my torso hit the wall behind. Dejection dawned on me.

"You're bleeding" a woman exclaimed and rambled on bandaging my wounds. But I couldn't hear nor see anything other than that door which had separated us. The woman, I assumed, had left. I stared blankly at the door for sometime, trying to figure what had happened. I struggled to push the thought of those words being his last. I denied the possibility of what I witnessed being his last agony. That couldn't be a concluding throe. It just couldn't be.

Gradually, I rested myself on the floor as if submerging in despondency and desolation. Bleakness was a part of the air. Ironic and sad, how at first I had rejected his offer to mend me and now, undergoing lamentation for him. Had my fear become a reality? The fright of breaking him in the process of fixing myself? All along, I neglected my feelings because I thought I wouldn't be able to love anyone. Actually, it was the doubt of being left alone. I was crying over the guy who had left me and I was indeed blind to see the endearment of Amarion. It is unbelievable that how all this time I was falling for him without even realising it. His adorable smile and his enchanting voice, his hazel eyes and his warm arms, his jokes and his amazing mind, his innocent soul and loving heart, their memories and reverberation flashed in my mind. How and when had I fallen so hard? All the moments from the first time we met to the last time I saw him close his eyes, replayed forth my vision. The way he sang for me when I visited him twice. And how he apologised to me by crooning on the phone when I had to be the one guilty. He was willing to give all of his love to me but I had to be a selfish fool. Was I afraid of shattering him? No, I was scared of breaking myself which was already broken. I was busy loving someone who doesn't even care about me anymore while the one who had his arms spread widely for me, I moved away from him. I hurt him so much when I refused his offer to give him a chance. And this pain which I've received, I deserve it. I deserve it for being ungrateful. What have I done until now? Just blame fate for every thing that happened and being unjust with myself. I'm the one who desolated myself and I'm the one who broke my own heart. No one did anything. The reason for all the catastrophes is one and that's me. I should be punished for my mistakes and I am getting it.

But what about Amarion? He is blameless. He doesn't deserve to be dying. I should be the one in his place. All of that agony should be injected in me. I am a destructive mess and I always be one. But honestly, if Amarion woke up, I strive that I'd love him with the fragments of my heart and with the splinters of my soul. My endearment would be abundant. I'd sacrifice repeatedly to keep him happy. I would never let grief surround him. I'd make his life more enchanting than his voice. I just wanted him back. It was unfair with him. We couldn't be so unlucky.

Our song of romance had just began. How could it end so soon? Our voices hadn't completed the chorus. The song is eternal. I sang my part and I knew he'd sing his too.

Wrath, grief, depression and love, all of those interconnected feelings chained me. And only one person had the key to unlock them. Amarion, my endearment, my emancipation and my entity.

Both of my hands rested on my sides and my head leaned against the wall. I was going insane. I had been thinking inane and frivolous things rather than being stable. The invisible weight on my chest felt like an emerging mountain. And the faint hiccups and deep breathing echoed in its caves. Just one confession had changed everything. The conflagration did ravage me. I felt nothing but a pile of messed feelings and memories being burnt, waiting to turn into irrevocable ashes. Maybe, this fire wasn't going to be extinguished. I had to allow it to consume me and make me nothing but cinders and black dust.

Two doctors emerged from the hallway and looked at me. They deliberated something and then I heard a creak.

The door had ultimately opened.