ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜰᴏʀᴛʏ ᴇɪɢʜᴛ

ꜰᴀɴᴛᴀꜱɪᴀ ʙᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ
ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 15, 2020

laila was already curled up in bed, snoring lightly with her favorite stuffed animal under one arm. i kissed her forehead and left out of the room.

taraji was downstairs on the couch, legs stretched out with a blanket tossed over her lap. i sat beside her, tucking myself into her side. she didn't saying anything at first, her fingers just trailed down my arm. i could tell she was still holding everything from today. she smiled a lot but now it feels like there's something wrong.

"you okay?" i asked softly.

she nodded, eyes on the muted tv. "yeah i am. i think it just hit me all at once. like... all of it." she paused for a second and began again, "i wanna sit down with him."

"your dad?"

she nodded slowly. "yeah. i was thinking about it in the car. i don't know what all i wanna say, or even if i'm ready to hear what he might say... but something in me just keeps whispering that it's time. he looked at me like he hadn't seen light in years, and it wasn't just the addiction. it was something else. like... guilt. like he was scared i wouldn't see him as human anymore."

i turned to her, cupped her cheek gently. "you're allowed to want that. you deserve that, baby."

"you think it's too soon?"

"no, i actually think it's right on time, and i think he's been waiting for this moment longer than you know."

"tomorrow. i'll call him in the morning. maybe we can meet at a park or somewhere quiet. not here. not just yet."

"okay." i kissed her again, slower this time. "whatever you need." as bad as i wouldn't want her in public knowing how obsessed paparazzi could be, she was grown and that was basically out of my hands.

________

ᴛᴀʀᴀᴊɪ ʜᴇɴꜱᴏɴ
ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 15, 2020

it was the next morning. the morning where i was going to see my father. i stared at my reflection in the mirror. i just needed to look myself in the eye. take inventory. remind myself that i made it this far without him, but still wanted what only he could give.

a conversation, explanation... i needed something. behind me, fantasia moved softly. her presence was always quiet in the morning. she came up beside me with a mug of coffee and placed it on the vanity and leaned against the wall with her arms folded and the robe tied loosely around her waist.

"you slept okay?" she asked.

"better than i thought i would." i reached for the coffee but didn't sip.

she came over and stood behind me before wrapping her arms around my middle and rested her chin on my shoulder.

"you sure you wanna do this today?" she whispered.

"yeah, i need to. not for closure or none of that. just for clarity. maybe even for him too. i mean after all i am deserving of that."

"you are." she kissed my shoulder. "i packed some of those little banana muffins you like. just in case it runs long."

i chuckled under my breath. "you really think of everything."

"no. just everything you need."

i looked back at her and kissed her slowly. when we got downstairs laila was humming to herself while coloring at the table. she looked up when i came down, her face lighting up.

"mommy! tai tai"

"hey baby"

"hey jellybean." i picked her up, "how you feeling?"

"great!"

"that's great. you let tai tai know if something's wrong, okay?"

"okay i will! look i drew a sun with a smile on it cause you said today's important."

i touched my chest. it ached in the best way.

"you got your phone and keys?" fantasia asked, grabbing her purse.

"mmhmm."

"call me if anything feels too heavy or if you need a breath or just someone to stand beside you."

i smirked before pulling her into me, "you know i will. where are you two going?"

"i have to go pick up her medicine and then we're gonna grab some food and maybe go shopping if she's up to it. i don't know yet, but i wanna make myself productive so i don't be sobbing while i wait for you to come back."

i didn't have to question whether or not she had separation anxiety because it was pretty clear. same as her love language being physical touch. i just sat back and watched. i learned her. still is.

she walked me to my car, "i do have security riding behind you for safety purposes. they're not gonna be on your tail, but they are watching."

i looked back and then back to her, "how many?"

"two suvs. four guards in each truck. we have two as well."

"alright, i adore you beauty." i kissed her three times, "drive safe. laila, be good. i love you"

"you drive safe as well. i adore you more."

"okay mommy. i love you too"

she watched me pull off with her hand to her heart like she was sending something with me. as i drove toward the park where my father and i agreed to meet... i held onto it. every bit of her love because today i wasn't just showing up as a daughter. i was showing up as a woman he didn't get to raise.