ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ꜰᴏᴜʀ

ꜰᴀɴᴛᴀꜱɪᴀ ʙᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ
ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 27, 2020

i wasn't even allowed to pour my own juice. she had been more excited when she realized it was actually real.

"i got it" taraji said for the fifth time, grabbing the carton out of my hand.

"babe" i was trying not to laugh, "i'm not helpless. i'm just... pregnant."

"same thing."

she filled my glass like it was made of diamonds and set it down in front of me with two hands like it needed blessing. then she kissed my forehead. then my shoulder. then crouched down to kiss my belly like it was already visible.

i blinked. "baby, you know it's literally smaller than a grain of rice right now."

"that's my grain of rice."

i burst out laughing and almost snorted.

she pointed at my stomach like she was threatening it with love. "you hear that in there? mama ain't playing about you."

i rubbed her head gently. "you need a nap."

she ignored me. when i stood up to put my plate in the sink, she rushed behind me with both hands out like i was a toddler learning to walk.

"okay, you don't need to be lifting that. you're fragile."

"fragile?" i turned around. "raji..."

she snatched it up before i could rinse it and started scrubbing with a vengeance. i leaned back against the counter with my arms crossed, watching her wash a single fork like it wronged her family.

"you stressed?"

"no."

"you look stressed."

"i'm fine. i'm just making sure my child's mother doesn't get tendonitis at the sink."

"tendonitis?" i said, deadpan.

she turned slowly. "i googled it. pregnant women are more prone."

i squinted at her. "baby, it's been twelve hours since the test. how much have you read?"

she kept scrubbing. "...some articles."

"how many?"

she didn't answer. i grabbed my phone and found the browser open on the table behind her. seventeen tabs. all about early pregnancy symptoms. safe foods. fetal development. emotional regulation.

one article titled "things your pregnant partner should NOT do and how to kindly stop her from doing them."

i showed her the screen.

she shrugged. "knowledge is power."

"you are a mess."

she walked over, hugged me from behind, and kissed the side of my neck. "you love it."

"every bit"

|||

i bent down to pick up laila's jump rope that she left tangled in the grass.

"whoa, whoa, whoa don't do that," taraji called from across the yard, dropping her sandwich mid-bite.

i looked up. "you want me to call 911?"

"you don't gotta be sarcastic."

"i leaned forward for two seconds, raji."

"which could've thrown off your whole pelvic alignment."

"stop googling."

"never."

she jogged over and snatched the jump rope out my hand like i was smuggling explosives.

laila looked up from her chalk drawings and giggled.

"im not made of glass. im not gonna break"

"you don't know that" taraji said without blinking.

i buried my face in my hands. "God, help me."

hours later we were curled up watching a movie..or trying to. every ten minutes, she shifted.

"you want a blanket?"

"no, i'm good."

"you cold?"

"nope."

"you feel dizzy?"

"no."

"headache?"

"baby, i'm fine."

"...you sure?"

i turned toward her slowly, leaned in close, and whispered, "if you ask me one more time, i'm going to bang my head on the window."

she grinned and tucked her chin down like a kid getting scolded. "okay, okay. im just trying to be there for you and make sure you're good."

i kissed her cheek. "im okay. you'll be the first to know when im not feeling well"

"okay." she kissed my stomach. then whispered, "love you, little rice cake."

and somehow, even through all the chaos and the hovering and the dramatics... i already knew this baby would be so loved, it would never spend a second wondering if it mattered.

||| next day:

laila was inside coloring. taraji was on the phone, pacing near the window but watching me like a hawk.

me and tab we were on the patio with mugs of tea and about ten inches of space between us. the kind of space that used to be laughter and music and matching shoes, but had grown into silence and learning how to be gentle again.

tab looked over at me, her braid slipping down her shoulder. "so... you really pregnant?"

i smiled a little. "yeah. i took the test."

"and you okay?"

"ask me again in five minutes," i said, sipping slow. "i've been okay and not okay about fifteen times today."

she nodded. "you gonna tell diane, rico, and laila soon?"

"yeah. im gonna tell laila tomorrow. ill tell rico and mama later on. im gonna have to fly them out and surprise them both."

"you nervous about laila?"

i laughed once under my breath. "terrified."

"you wanna talk about it?"

i looked at her. "what part?"

"any part."

i took a long breath. stared out at the sky.

"i didn't expect this," i said softly. "not with everything going on with laila. not with how fresh everything still feels. i still get scared some nights thinking her seizures might come back hard. and now... i'm here, body aching, head spinning, trying to figure out if i'm even capable of handling both."

tab nodded slowly. "you are."

she turned more toward me, one leg folded up on the chair now. "tasia, i've known you since we were stupid and seventeen. i've seen you hold people together who didn't know they were falling apart. i've watched you take care of laila like she was born in your arms. you love hard. and i get why this feels big. because it is. but you're not the same girl you were back then."

i looked down at my tea. "what if i mess up?"

"then you call me or raji" she said. "cuss us or me out. cry. panic. whatever you gotta do, and then we figure it out together. like we always have. maybe with fewer tequila shots this time."

i smiled again. "you gonna be around?" i asked.

"i never left," she said gently. "i just... had to find my way back without hurting you more."

i reached across the space and took her hand. her fingers wrapped around mine like they never forgot how, and for the first time in months... the silence didn't feel like distance anymore.