ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜱᴇᴠᴇɴᴛʏ

ꜰᴀɴᴛᴀꜱɪᴀ ʙᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ
ɴᴏᴠᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 22, 2020

the world snapped. i shot up so fast the room spun, a scream caught somewhere in my chest and coming out as this broken, choking sob. my hands flew to my stomach... there was no pain. no cramps. no stabbing tightness.

my eyes darted around. i wasn't in the car. i wasn't in the hospital. laila wasn't twitching. tab wasn't speeding. raji wasn't running across concrete. i was in tab's guest room. i was safe, but i wasn't breathing like i was safe.

i folded over instantly, both hands pressed to my face, shaking so hard my teeth actually tapped together. the sob that ripped out of me felt like something being pulled from the center of my chest.

"taisa?!" tab burst into the doorway, "fantasia. baby, what?! what happened?!"

i couldn't even answer. i tried. all that came out was a crushed, "no no no God, no."

i was crying so hard my whole body curled in on itself.

tab rushed to the bed, climbing right beside me and grabbing my shoulders. "hey. hey, breathe. tasia, breathe. what happened?"

i shook my head violently, hands trembling over my mouth. "she—she—laila—" i gasped, voice cracking down the middle. "she was... she couldn't— she was—"

tab froze, eyes going wide.

she already pulling me into her. "baby, you had a nightmare."

i clutched her shirt so tight i felt the seams strain. "it felt real," i cried. "oh my God, tab. i thought...i thought i lost her—i thought i lost the baby. i—"

tab wrapped her arms around me, rocking me the way she used to rock laila. "shhh, baby, it ain't real. none of it's real. laila's knocked out. you're safe. you hear me? you're both safe."

her words bounced off me like rubber. i was already somewhere else. somewhere deeper. my mind replaying laila's twitching body, raji's scream, the hospital lights.

i let out another sob, "i want her," i whispered, voice shredded. "i want raji. i want her now."

tab blinked, surprised, but she didn't question it. not after a nightmare like that.

she wiped my cheek with her thumb. "you wanna call her, baby?"

"no," i shook my head fast, wiping my face with shaking hands. "i don't want a phone. i want her. i want her here."

the last word broke inside my throat.

i didn't care about yesterday. didn't care about the argument. didn't care about pride or space or anything i cried about before i went to sleep. i just needed her.

tab nodded once, no hesitation. "okay. i'm getting her."

she squeezed my hand, then headed for the door. as soon as she was gone, i curled into myself, hands on my belly, tears still slipping down into the pillows.

"please come," i whispered into the dark, shaking. "please just come hold me..."

and for the first time since yesterday...i didn't try to be strong. i didn't pretend i wasn't scared. i just cried, wanting nothing but raji's arms around me, her voice in my ear, her hands on my back—wanting her warmth to pull me out of the last pieces of that nightmare.

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i ended up crying myself to sleep.

the second i woke up and looked around... every light looked like the hospital lights from my dream, and every time i blinked i saw laila's little body jerking in that car seat. my stomach tightened. not from pain, but from fear so deep it made my arms shake.

i kept whispering, "she's okay... she's okay..." just to hear something, just to drown out the memory that wasn't real.

i didn't even hear the front door open. i only noticed when footsteps hit the hallway—fast ones. familiar ones. my whole chest clenched.

that was raji. i heard her voice before i saw her. she sounded breathless and terrified.

"where is she?"

then the bedroom light flicked on, and there she was. the second she saw me curled up on the bed, she didn't say a word. she just moved.

"tasia—" her voice cracked, and i broke all over again.

i reached for her without thinking, without pride, without remembering yesterday or any argument that came before it.

she was climbing into the bed and pulling me into her lap. i buried my face in her neck, sobbing so hard i couldn't talk. she held me tight with both arms around my back, and her cheek pressed to my forehead.

"hey. hey... baby, i'm here," she whispered, breath shaking. "i'm right here. i got you."

i couldn't catch my breath. "i....i saw—" was all i managed before my voice cracked.

she rocked me gently, her arms warm, strong, home. "shhh... don't force it. just breathe with me, beauty. right here. breathe with me."

i tried, but every inhale kept hitching because the nightmare was still glued to the inside of my skull.

"i thought—" i whispered, fists tightening in her shirt. "i thought i lost my babies."

raji froze. her grip slid up my back, holding me so close her heart beat was right against my cheek.

"no," she breathed, voice thick. "no, baby. they're fine. both of them. just fine"

i shook my head, guilt crashing into my chest. "i didn't want to call you," i sobbed. "i thought i was protecting you. but i just..i just dreamed you were running toward us and and laila was—"

my voice collapsed completely.

raji cupped my face, wiping my tears with her thumbs even though more kept falling. "it was just a dream," she whispered. "a bad one. none of that happened. our baby is okay. you hear me? laila's okay."

i leaned into her touch, inhaling her perfume, her skin, her everything. i hadn't realized how empty i'd felt without her until right now.

"i needed you," i admitted in a whisper so small it barely existed.

raji's whole body softened. "i know," she murmured, pulling me into her again. "that's why i came."

"im sorry for running when things felt too heavy." i said, looking up at her. she kissed my nose.

she used her index finger to keep my chin up, "i can understand why you ran, but i don't want you thinking you have to run from me. i kept those things from you because i didn't want you stressing like i was. i didn't want you to feel the way i was feeling, but i see now that all of that only made things worse and two times heavier for you than myself. i'm sorry and i promise to never keep anything from you, big or small."

my eyes were completely filled. "and i promise to stay by your side no matter the situation. i just don't wanna be left in the dark nor do i want you handling things by yourself. you still have me and i'll always be there for you. don't use my pregnancy as an excuse to shut me out of things."

"i won't anymore. i learned my lesson. it'll never in life happen again. im truly sorry."

i didn't know if it was the dream or the hormones or the fight we still hadn't fixed but the second she said that, something inside me unclenched. i snuggled into her.

raji kept rubbing my back in slow circles, whispering, "you're okay," over and over until my breathing finally steadied.

for the first time all night, i wasn't scared. because my woman was holding me like nothing in the world could take me away from her. although, nothing couldn't.