ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜰᴏʀᴛʏ ɴɪɴᴇ

ᴛᴀʀᴀᴊɪ ʜᴇɴꜱᴏɴ
ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 15, 2020

he was already at the park sitting with both of his hands folded over his knees. i parked and sat in the car for a minute before getting out. he stood when he saw me. he looked sober in the face and smaller than i remembered.

"hey" he said, voice steady but unsure.

"sup" i kept it short and simple. we sat down on the bench. not too close but also not too far.

"you look good" he finally said. "grown."

"i am grown" i replied, not in a cold way, but not a warm one either. he nodded like he expected that.

"i didn't know if you'd come."

"i almost didn't" not because i didn't want to but because i didn't know how to approach him or what to say.

there was another pause before he spoke up again, "i been clean five years," he said gently. "hardest five of my life, but also necessary. i wanna say i'm sorry, taraji. for disappearing. for not getting help sooner. for not being the kind of man you deserved to have in your corner."

i swallowed. "you were the first man to teach me what leaving looks like."

his head lowered. i didn't say it to hurt him. i said it because it was true.

"you said you looked for me?" i added, quieter now.

he nodded. "didn't know where you were. when your mama died, it shattered me. but i never stopped. i ain't have much. just her picture in my wallet and a prayer you'd show up or we'd run into one another. but then fantasia... she found me a couple weeks back. showed up at the halfway house i volunteer at. she didn't judge me. she just... told me it was time."

i had to look away for a second. the same woman who gave me softness, forgiveness, and warmth... was also giving me this? she doesn't even know how much i appreciated this. the one thing i always hoped for one day when i was a teen.. and now it's come to light.

he reached into his bag slowly and pulled out a frame. the edge of it scratched, glass a little fogged. but inside it was me. maybe four or five. smiling with both arms wrapped around my mom's legs while she leaned against my dad. we looked happy and intact before everything splintered.

"your mother loved you more than life, and she'd want us to sit here today. she'd want me to do better."

truth is, i wasn't ready to call him pops again but i was ready to hear him out.

"you still drink?" i asked.

"no."

"still love me?"

he looked at me, eyes already misty. "always"

"where you staying?"

"over on willow bend. it was closest to the halfway house so i didn't have to walk much."

i just nodded, fidgeting with my hands. he spoke up again.

"i suppose i have a grandchild?"

"i have a daughter" i corrected him. he hasn't earned that title yet, "her name is laila and she's four. very smart kid."

"if you'll allow me to i'd like to be there for the both of you. earn the spot i was already supposed to be securing.. i am willing to do anything."

"time... just give me time. show up. let's just take it slow."

"okay.... ill do that. slow."

for the first time in forever, i let the silence sit beside us without the bitterness. i didn't hug him. didn't cry but i didn't walk away either.

_________

i walked in the house and slipped my shoes off at the door. my mind was still full.

"babe?" fantasia called out from the other room.

i didn't answer right away. i just followed her voice. when i turned the corner, there she was. standing at the stove stirring something. she looked over her shoulder and saw my face then turned the stove off.

"hey beauty."

"hey, you okay?" she asked softly.

i didn't answer. i just walked to her and let my arms find her waist whilst putting my forehead into her shoulder. she instantly wrapped her arms around me. no questions asked.

"he still looks like the man who left" i murmured.

"but he's trying to come back" she finished for me.

i nodded against her. "he brought me a picture of my mom. all three of us, before the chaos. i didn't cry, but i wanted to."

"you don't have to force anything, baby. you're allowed to feel it later or not at all."

i closed my eyes, breathing her in. "you really went and found him?"

her voice softened more, like she was almost embarrassed. "i did. i know i probably should've asked first. but... something told me you needed that chapter to have a voice. even if it shook you."

i pulled back just enough to look her in the eye. "you don't just adore me, tasia. you see me."

"always, baby" she whispered, brushing her thumb over my jaw. "even the parts you keep buried."

i leaned down and kissed her. not because i was sad. not because i needed comfort but because this was mine. this moment. this beautiful woman.

"laila sleeping?" i asked against her lips.

"peacefully."

"good. i need a nap... and a you."

she laughed under her breath. "we can arrange both."

i let her lead me to the couch. the food could wait. for now, it was just me, my woman, and peace between two people who fought hard to find it.