ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

ꜰᴀɴᴛᴀꜱɪᴀ ʙᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ
ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 27, 2020

taraji was still asleep beside me with one arm across the space where my waist used to be. her face was pressed into the pillow.

i slipped out of the bed without a sound. the box was already under the bathroom sink. tab went to get it for me yesterday. not because i was ready, but because i knew i wouldn't be able to keep ignoring it after what happened at the restaurant. i didn't even have to ask her twice. she just put the bag into my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "you ain't alone. no matter what it says."

i closed the bathroom door behind me and locked it. i sat on the edge of the tub and just... stared at the box. my hands were shaking and it felt cold in here. i finally unwrapped the test. did what it asked and set it on the counter then waited. i sat still with elbows on my knees and that's when my chest started to hurt.

when the timer hit three minutes, i looked.... two pink lines. i didn't cry. i didn't gasp or fall to the floor. i just sat there staring at those lines.

then i whispered to myself, "oh my God..."

i placed a hand over my belly. it didn't feel different yet but it was and there was no going back.

i walked out of the bathroom and raji was still in bed, curled on her side now, one arm stretched across my pillow like she reached for me in her sleep and came up empty. i stood there for a second just looking.

her mouth slightly parted. one leg half tangled in the blanket. this woman.this soft woman wrapped in so much strength was the first person who ever made me feel safe enough to fall apart and now i was carrying a part of her. my hand rested against my stomach again.

i walked over towards the bed and sat beside her.

her eyes slowly opened at the shift in weight.

"baby? you good?"

i nodded first, but the way i looked at her must've told her what my mouth couldn't. she sat up, "tasia..."

i held out the test. she stared it for a moment then she looked at me. "is this real?"

i nodded. "i took it just now. it turned almost immediately."

she reached for my hand, then both of them. i tried to say something else but my voice cracked. she pulled me into her chest before the tears could fall, arms tight, hand on the back of my head. i cried against her shoulder. small sobs that carried every fear i'd been trying to swallow for the past two days.

after a while, when my breathing evened out, i pulled back just enough to look her in the eye.

"i feel guilty."

"about what?"

"like it's not fair to laila.. she's still having medical issues. what if i can't be there for her as much as i used to be?" my voice cracked. "it feels selfish."

"you carrying a baby don't mean you're forgetting laila or it's selfish. she's still your heart. this is just... more of it. if you can't be there each time, beauty it's fine. ill be there for you and me. i just want you to know that i will never ever let laila forgot who's been there for her. i know that's what you're mostly afraid of and also the thought of trying to be there for the new baby and her.. don't put too much on yourself. i just need you to relax yourself and let me be there for you. okay?"

"okay"

she leaned in and kissed my cheek. we sat there like that for a long time. the test resting on the nightstand like it didn't hold the biggest information a person could know.