ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜰɪꜰᴛʏ ᴏɴᴇ

ꜰᴀɴᴛᴀꜱɪᴀ ʙᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ
ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 25, 2020

the orange juice tasted like pennies. i pulled the glass back from my lips and stared down at it, blinking slow, confused. i sniffed it. stared at the label. checked the date again like i hadn't already done it twice. it wasn't spoiled. it wasn't warm. but the taste had turned metallic like something foreign sat on my tongue and wouldn't move.

i poured it out quietly. my stomach twisted a little when the scent of the garbage hit my nose. i pressed my hand against the counter and took a breath.

taraji was upstairs still sleeping. laila had spent the night at tab's again after begging to build a blanket fort and watch princess movies on a projector. it was just me in the kitchen, barefoot, oversized tee, hair in a scarf, wondering why my body felt unfamiliar.

the cramping had started the day before but a little light. there was dull aches in the pit of my belly like the very first day of a cycle, only nothing came. i thought maybe stress that i figured would pass but now, it was a little more than cramps. my breasts ached too. i leaned over the sink for a second, breathing slow.

my legs were tired. my back was sore and there was this strange buzzing behind my eyes like i might cry or snap or melt if someone looked at me too long. i rubbed my face. splashed water on my cheeks and went to sit down at the table. my head throbbed.

i started picking at the skin near my thumb. a habit i hadn't done in years. i didn't know if i was anxious or just annoyed that i couldn't name what was happening to me.

the morning light filtered in slow through the kitchen window. everything looked normal. everything felt like it should've been calm but i wasn't calm.

"baby?" i heard her voice from upstairs.

i cleared my throat, trying to make it sound even.

"down here" i called back, pushing myself up.

my legs felt heavier than usual. my breath caught just a little in my throat. and my chest? still sore but i smiled when she came around the corner, messy bun, sweatpants, arms wide open like she already knew i needed them. i walked straight into her and she held me.

"you okay, mama?" she asked, kissing my head.

"yeah, you good?"

"yeah, i just didn't feel you next to me and it startled me a little, but other than that im good."

i pouted a little. "i'm sorry, baby." i kissed her lips three times and melted back into her.

_______

i haven't been able to eat. not really. not when the scent of onions in the kitchen had made my stomach churn so hard i had to step outside and press my face to the back of my hand just to keep from gagging. taraji had turned the stove off without even asking, just rubbed my back and told me to sit down while she ordered takeout but even when it came, the idea of food felt impossible.

now, the house was dark and quiet. laila was asleep. she had come back earlier from with tab covered in glitter and stickers. taraji was in the shower humming something low.

i was sitting at the edge of the bed with my legs curled under me with my hand pressed against my stomach. the cramping was back again. same ache as before. my breasts felt full. tender in a way that made even the cotton of my shirt feel too rough.

i shifted onto my side, curled deeper into myself, and tried to focus on anything else. the ticking of the clock. the hum of the heater. the water behind the bathroom door but it was no use.

every few minutes, i'd swallow hard against this lump rising in my throat..part emotion, part confusion, part something i couldn't name yet.

the bed dipped as taraji stepped out of the bathroom, towel tucked around her waist, curls wet and clinging to her neck. she looked at me immediately.

her voice softened. "you okay?"

i didn't answer. i just looked at her with this helpless kind of honesty, like i was trying not to cry but didn't know why i wanted to in the first place.

"talk to me."

i shook my head a little. "i feel weird."

"what kind of weird?"

"like... tired. and my body just won't cooperate. i'm hot. then freezing. food smells wrong. everything hurts. even my skin feels heavy. i don't know what's going on."

she brushed her fingers against my cheek, searching me.

"your cycle coming?"

i shrugged. "i don't think so. it's too soon and this don't feel like that."

she didn't push. she just leaned up and kissed my forehead, holding it there for a moment longer than usual.

"you want a bath?"

"i don't even wanna move."

"then let me hold you."

i slid under the blanket and let her climb in behind me, her arm wrapping firm and warm around my waist.

my back pressed into her chest, and she laid her hand flat against my stomach without knowing how that one small act would stay with me.

"whatever it is," she whispered into my hair, "we'll figure it out."

her breath slowed behind me, but mine stayed uneven. if i didn't know what it was yet...my body already did.