ʜᴇʀ ᴀꜱꜱɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴛ | ᴛᴀʀᴀꜱɪᴀ

ꜱɪxᴛʏ ꜰɪᴠᴇ

ꜰᴀɴᴛᴀꜱɪᴀ ʙᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ
ɴᴏᴠᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 21, 2020

the house had been louder than usual all week. not because of music or laughter, but because of everything else, such as the clatter of pots, the constant buzzing of raji's phone, the clicking of her laptop keys in the middle of the night.

thanksgiving was days away, and between groceries, deliveries, and making sure laila didn't eat half the candy canes off the tree, i could tell she was drowning.

i caught her staring off a few times, just gone. i'd call her name, and she'd blink like she had to remind herself where she was. she thought she was hiding it, but i knew better.

laila was sitting cross-legged on the living room floor, watching christmas cartoons and eating pretzels shaped like reindeer. "tai tai, when are we gonna make cookies?" she asked between bites.

i glanced over at raji then back at laila. "tomorrow, baby. we gotta wait till mommy slows down."

raji was on the phone again in the dining room, her voice low and clipped. "yeah. yeah, i'll handle it. just keep me updated."

"she's always talking to somebody" laila mumbled, frowning at the tv.

i rubbed her back. "grown-up stuff, baby. she's just handling some business."

the doorbell rang. i looked on my ring camera and saw the delivery truck parked at the end of the driveway. a man was carrying two boxes. it had to be the decorations i ordered late for the front porch.

normally, i wouldn't even have to move. raji would've jumped up before the bell stopped ringing. but today, she didn't even flinch. i sighed and went to get the boxes, my lower back already aching from sitting too long.

the boxes were heavier than i expected. i smiled politely at the delivery guy, trying to keep my voice calm even though the weight made my stomach tighten a little.

"you sure you got it, ma'am?" he asked.

"yeah, yeah. i'm fine." i shifted the bigger one against my hip and carried it into the house.

the second i set it down, a sharp cramp rolled through my belly. not enough to panic, but enough to make me gasp.

raji's voice shot across the room instantly. "tasia?"

i grabbed the edge of the counter, steadying myself. "i'm okay. just... a little cramp."

she hung up so fast i didn't even hear a goodbye. in two seconds flat, she was in front of me, eyes wide, hands already reaching for my stomach.

"why didn't you call me?!" she snapped. "you shouldn't be lifting anything right now."

"raji, calm down" i said gently, wincing as another small twinge hit. "it's not bad. it's just—"

"no. no, you don't get to 'just' me right now, fantasia." her voice cracked, hands shaking slightly as she guided me to sit on the couch. "what were you thinking?"

"i was thinking you were busy" i said, a little too sharply.

she froze, her hand still resting on my knee.

laila came running over, her little face worried. "mommy, is the baby and tai tai okay?"

i forced a smile for her. "we're okay, baby. i just lifted something heavy. mommy's helping me, see?"

raji swallowed hard, crouching in front of both of us now. she brushed laila's curls back and kissed her forehead. "everything's fine, princess. i got her."

but i could see the guilt eating her alive.

later, when laila was upstairs coloring, raji brought me a heating pad and sat beside me, quiet for a long minute.

"i'm sorry" she said finally, voice low. "i've been... distracted. and i should've been paying attention. i don't know what's wrong with me lately."

i looked at her, my tone softer now. "you've been somewhere else, raji. i don't know where, but you have. it's like i'm living with your body and your mind's across town."

her jaw flexed. "i'm just trying to make sure everything's perfect for y'all."

"no," i said quietly. "you're trying to fix something, and i can feel it. and whatever it is, it's tearing your focus apart."

her eyes flickered to the floor, guilt written all over her face. she didn't deny it, but she didn't explain either.

"you can't keep everything bottled up, babe. not with me. not when i'm carrying our baby."

she reached for my hand, pressing a kiss against my knuckles. "i know. and i'll do better. i promise."

i leaned my head on her shoulder, sighing. i didn't know what was haunting her but i knew whatever it was, it had claws.

and if she didn't let me in soon, it was going to start pulling both of us under.