Tea Boy: A Deacury Fic

Chapter 57: The Therapist Will See You Now

-John's POV-

Well. I'm here. In this center. For a therapy session. Which I didn't want to come to. I was sat in the waiting room after being checked in with Miss Juniata, just waiting to be seen by Dr. Everly. The receptionist advised me that the therapist was actually a recommended one to me for first timers of therapy, she ranted upon how nice and caring and truly understanding she was. Although they have several therapists there, Dr. Everly was I suppose the best choice. I was simply peering around until.

"Deacon?", I heard a voice ask. Dr. Everly was standing there, an average woman whose red hair was tied perfectly in a bun. She was wearing a simple mauve pantsuit with eggshell loafers. I stood up and followed the doctor to her office. She instructed me to sit on this lounge chair and simply to relax. She introduced herself and continued with the conversation.

"It's good to meet you, John. Thanks for coming in today. I know starting therapy can feel like a big step.", she said. "Yeah… I guess it kinda is. I didn’t think I’d be the type to end up here, but… here I am.", I chuckled shyly. "There’s no "type," really. Just people trying to feel better. So, where would you like to start?", she started putting her glasses on the neck of her blouse.

Shit. How do I even start? Maybe just talk about the A and S words first.

"Honestly? Well I've been sober for around 2 to almost 3  months, but that's not the only thing I'm supposedly sober about. Sex, too. That's… been a small problem for me. My partner thinks I'm starting that addiction only because of this...pornographic dream." I could see her taking note of this entire thing.

"I appreciate you sharing that. When you say it’s been a problem, can you tell me a little more about what you’ve been noticing?", she inquired. "Well uhm....When I stopped drinking, I thought I could just hang on to that for a little bit. But it’s all tied together, isn’t it?", I explain. "Often, yes. It can become another way of avoiding feelings, just like alcohol or other substances. How’s it been for you, trying to step back from that?", she responded.

Tiring. Stressful. Overall, nerve racking. The pottery thing isn't really keeping me away from those things.

"Frustrating. Lonely, if I’m being honest. I’m trying to tell myself that being alone isn’t the same as being abandoned… but it feels that way sometimes.", I told her honestly. "That’s very honest, John. I think it’s important we explore that feeling — the loneliness, and what it brings up for you. And also how you’ve been defining sobriety for yourself.", she briefly advised. "Yeah. I guess I thought sobriety just meant no booze. Now it feels like I’m stripping away every crutch I’ve ever had.", I uttered.

"That’s understandable. Recovery can feel like losing parts of yourself at first. But you’re also making space to figure out who you are without those crutches. That’s not easy, but it’s brave."

Maybe I should've checked myself in to a psych ward instead, but I don't remember if there's any of those around here.

"Doesn't feel brave. Feels like hell most days.", I sighed. "That’s okay too. It’s still part of the work. We can take this one step at a time. You don’t have to figure it all out today.", Dr. Everly replied. "…Yeah. Okay. I can try that.", I agreed. "Good. We’ll work together on this, John. I’m glad you showed up this morning. That’s the hardest part. I'll schedule you in for another couple weeks for a follow up session.", she replied finalizing her notes. "I appreciate that.", I replied. "And I appreciate you for coming in. Just go sign out with Miss Juniata and you'll be on your way.", she responded smiling at me. I nodded and did as told. After signing out, I was on my way home.

A lot of things she said to me were true. This recovery period seriously got me incredibly stressed, but I can't really stress properly because hell, I've got Freddie to worry about. If only I could kindly ask him what’s preventing him from engaging in intimacy, I might gain a better understanding of his hesitations.

That's right! I'll definitely do that.

I picked up the pace on my way home. I'm willing to discuss what really happened, but I'm very inquisitive on Freddie not wanting to get intimate.

Am I not attractive? Am I pushy? Is his self esteem low? These are some questions I'm asking myself as well.

What could be keeping Freddie like this to a point where I'm the most concerned?