Tea Boy: A Deacury Fic

Chapter 48: I Fear.

(A/N: Just John rambling in his own thoughts about the future, just his thoughts talking to him nothing special)

-John's POV-

I fear.

I fear a lot about the future now that I've made this commitment to Freddie about alcohol. No mentioning of it, no going near it, resisting temptation at its finest. But now I only fear things. What would happen if all of this didn't happen at all?

What would've happened if I continued drinking with Freddie knowing it?

Would I still be in the band even if we weren't together?

What could've been a better result if I didn't fall on that pavement after a heartbreaking scream?

How many people would've been dead if I didn't go in there and stopped the chaos at Tilly's?

What if I accepted that coupon book from Emily?

What could've happened if I didn't stay for two months at that damn facility?

All of these questions had one thing to really look back at...

After my eighteenth birthday party, what would've I done if I didn't start drinking alcohol?

I fear.

I now fear of certain outcomes this commitment could change. Like what if I started a different habit?

If it were a good habit, are there any benefits to it?

Are there side affects?

How would my mom and sister support this new habit?

How would everyone else enjoy it?

I fear that I should give up on finding something else to fill that void in, but I just know nothing else works. I should find something that'll make me happy, they say, I deserve happiness, they say.

I find enjoyment in nothing these days. And do I care if I'm a bore at a young age? No. I don't actually. The one thing I don't find a bore is playing bass for the band. The sex with Freddie, mutual. But I happen to enjoy it anyways. You're lying about enjoying the sex, he'd say to me.

I fear that if I were to just be too boring, so be it. But then again everyone will hate me, which I don't want to happen.

I don't want to be sober.

Shut the fuck up, of course you do, you son of a bitch! Don't you know the risks of not being sober

Like what smartass?

High blood pressure, liver failure, a risk of a weakened immune system! All of this would happen if you didn't stop drinking.

Okay you basic bitch, but what else could happen?

Death.

Damn. Alright fine.

You need to find at least maybe a new hobby and accept freedom.

Oh please, I could never.

Why, is it because you fear you may already be anxious and possibly depressed?

Why the fuck would I be depressed in the first fucking place?

I didn't say you were, but could be.

There's no way! I'm fine!

You're lying to yourself.

Am not!

I threw myself on my pillow trying to calm myself down. My mind needed a rest. I fear that maybe I'm not in an emotional state where I can find something new to do instead of drinking.
Literally, I don't think I can find a real good hobby that'll make me satisfied. At least Freddie can do art. I'd rather focus on my nose healing right now, thankfully I can still breathe and I'm not in pain from it.

I fear it wouldn't heal on time, but maybe it will. That anesthesia made me so looped up and giggly.

Anesthesia....maybe... I fear.