taraji h.
"we're sorry."
the only 2 words that's been sticking with me for a week.
beyoncé woke up after being sedated and lashed out on everyone. she cried herself to sleep over and over and over again until she had no tears left. her parents said it would be best if she went back home and went to therapy to get better.
she kept telling herself sky wasn't gone. she even tried to go into nicu and pick up someone else's child.. she was in denial badly, still is but she's in therapy now.
and me? i'm just... lost. i've been at home alone for a full week. phone dead. haven't eaten. haven't been back outside. i haven't even talked to my kids. just sat here in silence. i'll walk pass the nursery and my heart would drop along with my tears that i held in for bey.
in the deepest part of my mind.. i still feel like God is punishing my kids more than me, for everything i've done and i still feel like he's not done with me.. not until i make things right. maybe he did this as a test.. maybe i didn't need more kids.. maybe i'm a changed person who was once evil and now its all catching up to me.. so many thoughts spiraling.
i learned that pain don't make you loud all the time. sometimes it silences you. tonight feels different.... maybe because it's raining. the thunder is roaring and then i hear a knock and immediately freeze. then came another knock but this time a little louder.
then her voice. "raji..." it was fantasia.
"raji, open the door. please."
i sit and thought..maybe i should let her stand out there until the rain drowns out her voice, but my feet are moving before i can stop them.
i opened the door slowly and there she is.. drenched, breath shaky, eyes filled with a different kind of worry.
"jesus..." she exhales. "you look-" she stopped herself.
she stepped in without asking and closed the door behind her. "you haven't answered the phone in a week. can i ask what's going on?"
i turned and walked to the kitchen without answering, "where's my baby?" my voice threatened to crack, but i caught it.
"at the house with my mama. she's in town for a few.. what's going on with you?" she sat her purse down on the couch and walked into the kitchen.
"can you bring him to me?" i tried switching the subject again. i wasn't ready to tell her a huge part of me was no longer here. "i miss him. autumn and winter.. all my babies. i just– i haven't had the strength to go to them..."
"no."
i furrowed my brows. "no?"
"yes. i said no. if you want to see your babies then you're gonna get yourself together and drive over to them."
"tasia-"
"taraji." she folded her arms, standing in-front me, chin high, "you don't look like yourself."
"i havent slept."
"why?"
i sighed deeply, looking away. "she died" my voice cracked. i no longer had the strength to hide it.
"who? beyoncé? oh no..." i looked at her with a blank expression. "oh? im sorry. no, seriously, who's she?"
"my baby." i said, eyes focused on her again. the tears blurred my vision a little, but she was still visible.
"oh, raji..." she pulled me into her arms with no further words. i didn't hesitate to melt into her and let it all out on her shoulder. almost like i needed her– this.
"i didn't even get to hold her. didn't get to kiss her head... nothing, but flatlines and silence."
"i know." she whispered, rubbing my back. "im sorry."
for the first time in a week, i let it all go. the grief. the guilt. the shame. right there, in fantasia's arms, while the rain poured outside and everything felt like it's been shattered, but she held me anyway.
she pulled back, wiping my eyes. "hey, look at me. it'll get better with time. don't lose yourself over something you can't control, raj."
"im being punished for the trouble i've caused you and many others." i sobbed. "the devil couldn't reach me so he went after autumn first, bryce second, now this new baby. my kids are being punished for my wrongdoings. i feel like no matter who i do, ill never be the ma-"
"stop." she put her index finger on my chest, "not every choice you make is the right choice, but you're the best mama any kid could and would ask for. the mama that loves her kids hard. the fun mama. the cra–" my eyes got big. "i meant... the dramatic mama." she chuckled. "you truly are the best mom, raj. don't ever doubt that."
i sniffled. "thank you."
"you're welcome. again, im so sorry about the baby."
i gave her a side eye and smirked, "you really thought bey was dead?"
she covered her mouth, trying not to laugh, "that's besides the point. i need you to get yourself together and go see those babies. they've been asking for you. i took bryce over to see them."
"i know. i just... i didn't wanna talk yet. i needed some time alone for a while, but ill be the best me when i see them."
"i know." she smiled and bumped my shoulder. "also, i have a number i want you to put in your contacts."
"you changed yours?"
"no. it's a therapist."
"i don't nee-"
"i said the same thing, but the minute we started talking? it was like a refresher. things you don't see? she'll bring them to light. check her out, please?"
"... aight. what's the- well, write it down. my phone is completely dead."
"ill send it to your phone. when you charge it, just save it."
"bet"
"great. im gonna be at the house whenever you're ready to come the door is open."
"got you." she started to walk out the door when i stopped her. "thank you, tasia. for just... still being here."
"whatever. i still don't like you, but im always gonna be there for you and besides...i still have love for you."
"....you do?"
"i never stopped." and then she was gone.
if i can't do nothing else the least i could do was seek help for not only me, but my kids too. they need the healed version of me more than anything right now. and so does tasia. i owe her the biggest apology and not just with words, but actions.
