taraji h.
life look different now. not perfect, not movie-cute, but... settled. softer. like somebody finally turned the volume down on all the chaos i used to carry around in my chest.
therapy helped with that.
me and tasia been going every week. sometimes together, sometimes separate. at first we was walking in there angry as hell, snapping over every little thing, barely making eye contact. now we leave holding hands. sometimes we sit in the car after and talk for another hour, just processing shit we ain't never said out loud.
and the wildest part... she be calling me out without yelling. i listen without shutting down. we learning each other all over again. i'm just learning a little bit harder since im the one with the real problems.
my kids changed too.
autumn's gotten better. she finally figured out her cycle schedule and she logs everything on her little calendar app like a big girl. winter been doing better in school since we cut her ipad time in half. she still talks too much, but she raises her hand now at least. bryce is... bryce. loud, sticky, follows tasia everywhere like her tiny shadow.
the house stays cleaner because winter don't like when i threaten to "throw the whole room away." she believes me now.
me and tasia... we good. better than before. we laugh more. we argue less. we kiss in the kitchen like we ain't grown with kids running around. she sleeps on my chest almost every night. most of the time she goes home and im all by myself again, but i dont make it a big deal because we'll be living together very soon.
there's also something i ain't told her yet, and every day that new year gets closer, my nerves get worse.
"raji," tasia called coming down the steps, "did you take my bonnet?"
"yes, but winter stole it from me to use on her doll."
"i swear yall gon make me go bald."
"you look sexy bald. i wont have nothing to pull when its time to break the bed."
she rolled her eyes but i saw the smile forming. "shut up, taraji."
she was getting ready to cook and i planned to watch until it was time to pick my kids up from school. i had so much other stuff on my mind as well. i was nervous and excited all at the same time.
"if i had no lips would you still sit on my face?"
she furrowed her eyebrows. "taraji, out." she pointed towards the livingroom, "go sit down somewhere. what kind of question is that? you and winter ask the craziest questions."
"like mother like daughter" i winked.
soon my smile faded and i just stared at her. watched her move around her kitchen with no idea of what was ahead of her—us. the kids. still i was nervous thinking about what her answer to my big question would be.
"are we doing alright?" i asked, fiddling with my fingers.
"yeah." she furrowed her brows. "why'd you ask?"
"i just wanted to know. make sure we both on the same page with eachother and everything."
she came closer, wrapping her arms around my waist. "we're good, raji. dont worry yourself. if theres anything wrong i'd come and talk to you."
"okay." i kissed the top of her head.
everytime she hugs me like that, i almost spill everything. she don't even know she already mine. but i want her to know it for real.
