fantasia b.
the kids had taraji doing interviews or whatever. they gave her a sheet of paper and set the camera up where they were all in it then they filled their mouths with water.
"so all i have to do is just say these words?" they shook their heads and pressed record, "skeebeedee toi–" they spit a little of the water out before she could even finish. i was confused.
"go mama"
"alright. skeebeedee toilet rizz. nonchalant dread h–" winter spit all over autumn causing autumn to spit on the floor.
"y'all cleaning that up i hope y'all know"
"we know just finish"
"okay. hyperpigmentation... what kinda– never mind. okay um... raise your ya ya y–"
this time winter spit in autumns face and they both burst out laughing again. i didn't understand what was funny about this gibberish, but okay.
"hawk tooah" they laughed and this time i did too, "nah see y'all got me saying some bull. tasia what is it and why you recording me?"
"i don't know it's just funny. keep going"
"level ten guyatt– where the huzz at.. what?" they spit again, "alright im done. what's funny and what is this stuff?"
"mama go!"
"no, tell tasia to read it." she sat the paper in my lap and went to get the mop.
"i'm about to post this on my tiktok." autumn giggled and ran to her room.
"mama can i get fruit snacks?"
"yeah, go ahead." instead of only mopping the water up she went ahead and mopped the whole floor. she finished and then went to wash her hands. i put the kids to bed and went back down in a robe.
"it took bryce twenty something minutes to close his eyes. geez."
she laughed, grabbing a bottle of water, "what made him go to sleep?"
"the warm milk and lots of rocking and singing. anyway, come on i want you to rate my outfits and then tell me which one i should wear for my date."
"whoa, wait, what date?" i stopped in my tracks.
"the one you're taking me on tomorrow night." i sassed.
"alright let me turn the lights off and then we can go." after doing that we made our way upstairs to the bedroom. i closed the door and locked it before making my way over to the bed.
"just sit back and relax. ill be right back with the first look." she sat at the edge of the bed and laid back.
i walked in minutes later and told her to close her eyes. she leaned up squeezing them tightly together.
"okay, open."
"damn." she drooled. i stood at the entrance of the bathroom with my arms up on the frame posing, "come here let me get a good look."
"this is just a cute green dress with the cute bow on it, but i think i wanna remove the bow. anyway, what's your rate and is it date night appropriate?"
"ion think the number im thinking is on the rating scale. you look fucking good."
"taraji"
"one million. this is taraji eye's appropriate, not date night."
"okay, well, this is something i'll wear on vacation or something. ok, next."
we went through every outfit and my favorite was the black jumpsuit with the read coat. i was wearing that to date night so she said she was gonna have to match my fly.
when i got out, i walked in the room with a towel around my body and head, "need me to step out?"
"no, i thought you'd be in your bed. what's on your mind? i know it's something."
"you. us."
"what about us? i don't even know what us means."
"im serious tai. i know my words meant nothing to you at one point, but im serious about this. im willing to do anything it takes to just start over and be happy with you."
"you want us to be happy? what about when i wanted that for us? you wanted no parts, but now that time has passed and you've changed you wanna be happy with me. you had time to do that and you ruined it for the both of us. i can't even get over the fact that i had your son after everything you did to me– you didn't deserve a baby. so why would i wanna be happy with you?"
"i apologized to you over and over and over again and none of the shit has worked. i don't expect you to forgive me in a day, but it's been months and still shit. ima come to my senses and understand that you'll never be my wife, just the mother of my son and that's cool. i was wrong for everything i did to you and again i am sorry, but let's get one thing in order– i didn't deserve a beautiful soul like yours, but i definitely deserved my son. i deserved all three of my kids. the only three that's keeping and kept me sane even on the days where i wanted to off myself. we ain't never gotta work out, but you will watching yo fucking mouth when it comes to mine and what i deserve."
i was backed into a wall. she was towering over me on the verge of tears, but quickly wiped her eyes. i had no words, but in that moment both of our emotions were all over the place. i didn't have to look at her to know she was giving me a deadly stare. my heart raced, i didn't know what she was going to do. to my surprise, she just walked out being careful not to slam the door although i could tell she wanted so badly to do it.
as i was putting on my pajamas, i heard the front door slam shut. i didn't know where she was going, but i was guessing she was going to see someone else or to get drunk. either way, what she does is none of my business. i care about her of course, but i can't control what she does when she isn't here. what she didn't know is that i found a house for me and bryce that was approved last week. it isn't furnished all the way, but ive been buying things. im waiting on another couch and our beds. which is why we haven't moved in yet. i was gonna tell her, but it wasn't her business where i was gonna live. she'll have to know eventually, but not now. i planned to move in next month which is in two weeks.
taraji h.
i was tired of this brick wall i hid behind so long– i had feelings too. im still hurting from shit that happened years ago and then all of this that had happened not even three months ago. i haven't healed from none of that, and it all piled up. just thinking about it makes me wanna crash my car or drive into a random river. i wasnt always a good person and i can understand why my life isn't going as great, but all of it is too much for me. im fucked up mentally.
i always feel like crashing out is the way to solve things and its not. i have a lot of work to do when it comes to my mental health. im not fit to be in a relationship right now. although it was hurtful to hear, fantasia was right about most of the shit she said. im not giving up on her, but im not gonna keep trying to fix something she has no interest in anymore. we're better off co-parenting as of now anyway. my kids and my mental are my only priorities from here on out.
i was drinking wine and laughing with my mama. i had cried with her for hours before. i had some things to get off my chest and im glad she listened to everything and understood. she called me out on my wrongs as well and i took accountability for everything. im not perfect, but im gonna work on myself to be the perfect mom for my children and myself.
"mama?"
"yes, baby?"
"do you feel i don't deserve my kids?"
"what? of course you deserve your babies. you're not perfect, no one's perfect, but you are the best mama any child could ever have. if you ask me, i feel like those babies are the main reason you've calmed down a lot. yeah the pills work from here and there, but as far as without them, the babies works wanders."
i wiped my eyes and smiled, "you right. thank you for listening to me mama. i appreciate you."
"you know you can always come to me for anything. ill always listen and understand. that's my job. i love you."
"i love you too" she hugged me tightly and held me while i let out more sobs.
