dancing on the edge | p.t.v {book 2}

Chapter Sixty-Three: Emptiness

Song: Lay Me Down~Sam Smith feat. John Legend

Chapter Sixty-Three: Emptiness

I never wanted to be a girl that let her world crumble over a boy. I told myself, that if someone broke my heart, I would cry, maybe mope for a week, and then toss it away. There's a part of me that wants to blame the huge hole inside on both my dads death, and my miscarriage, until I realised, the hole is only in one specific shape. His shape. Although the grief of loosing my child was incredibly crippling, that fact it was his made it worse. I couldn't even stand to stare at a wall, because somehow my mind would paint a portrait of his face on it.  Most of the time, these would be the moments I don't eat, but instead, I stuffed ever last crumb of food Ryan brought me on my command. I was halfway through week two of my blue mood, and I could feel that food having an impact on my stomach.

It hurt to stay awake, and it hurt even more to sleep. Staying awake reminded me of what happened in reality. Sleeping gave me sweet dreams of being locked in his embrace, which left me worse off the next day. I cried often now. I would drop a piece of food in the floor and cry. I would look in the mirror, and I'd cry. I get a small hint of his scent lingering on my pillow, and what do you know, waterworks. I was becoming pathetic, yet I felt as if I deserved it. I don't know why I felt that way, but I did. Maybe it was yelling at Vic and leaving. Maybe I just blamed my stupid body for killing the thing that I knew was going to brighten my life further. I had never felt so dark in my life. It's like somebody get a bendy straw and sucked every last drop of happiness from my life, before deciding they didn't want it, and spat it in the gutter. If there was a shade darker than black, it would describe my mood. I didn't even have the nerve to be angry at Vic, all I could think about was how much I wanted to go to him, and let him wrap me in his arms and whisper in my ear that's it's all right, and he still loves me.

It was like wanted a fairytale to come true.

"Cat? I'm putting Lord of The Rings on, wanna come watch with me?" I heard Ryan's soft voice come through the door. I let out a soft sigh, squeezing my eyes shut.

"No." I croaked back, loud enough so he could hear me. I heard his loud, exaggerated sigh, before I heard him leave. He used to hound me to get me out of bed and asking me try and be relatively productive but I wouldn't. He said it was creepily quiet in the house with me and Mom hiding away. I wanted to stop being selfish, because I know he was having a tough time too, but I just couldn't wrap my head around anything. I turned around, now facing my eerily empty room, tugging the blankets to my chin. It was only 9:00pm, but I've become an expert at sleeping. I curled my fists under my chin, keeping cold air from sneaking under the blanket, and biting my neck. I tried to block all thoughts from my mind, knowing it would be a dangerous road. I had been hearing my phone going off the hook, so I'm assuming it was Starbucks and girls from the dance studio. Neither of them I really cared about. I'm assuming I was fired, and hopefully Damien got the picture that I wasn't planning on going back. I remembered how it felt to have that solo routine at our recital to show off our talent, and I did love the feeling. I just didn't love it enough to want to peruse it. I also remember how satisfying it was, watching Vic getting pissed off and jealous over Damien.

I let out a strangled groan, turning over in my bed. I opened my eyes, and they met with those everlasting chocolate ones. They glistened in the darkness, as I felt that warmth they always brought. Looking into them, was like wrapping your hands around a mug of coffee, as rain splattered on the windowpane, the warmth of the liquid in the cup was seeping slowly through your sweater, that was wrapped around your palms, and you feel it touch your skin with a scolding softness. He reached out a soft hand, running his index finger over my cheek. I closed my eyes, and felt goosebumps allover my spin, as his fingers traced my lips, bringing the salty taste of tears that his fingers had wiped away. He rested his palm on the side of my face, as I slowly opened my eyes, to the face I had fallen in love with. That same crooked smile twisted on his full lips, that same dark hair brushing his eyes, a bit of stubble present on the top, and around his lips, marking his copper skin with tiny lines of black. I wasn't staring at the face of a man. I was staring at my world.

His hand moved from my cheek, trailing next to my ear, and dipping in the curve of my neck. He very lightly and almost shakily, brushed his fingers alone my collarbone, making me sigh. It traveled over my shoulder, to my waist, before he moved me close to him, and I buried my face into his chest. His cologne hit me as clear as day, and was mixed with the smell of the leather seats in the recording studio. He pressed his face to my hair, breathing in deeply.

"I broke my promise." It was almost as if his voice was really there. I grabbed his shirt a little tighter.

"I promised I'd stay around forever." He murmured, his lips tickling the top of my hair. My tears were coming down a little faster, as I sucked in a shaky breath. I stayed in his arms for a while, basking in the heat that his body possessed, like lighting a fire back into the cold room that was my heart. I shook my head.

"No." I whispered. My fingers slowly started to realise his shirt.

"No. No, you didn't break your promise." My fingers slipped to the cold empty mattress. I stared at the blank spot next to me in the bed. Nothing was there, but my outstretched hands and the still blank wall. I stared at my fingers, before slowly curling them into fist.

"You didn't break your promise, because I left you."

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Woooweeeeee, I find it way too fun to write emotional parts, yay for me. Apologies for it being short btw, but it's short and sweet so.

OOOO, I forgot to tell you beautiful people, and yes all of your are beautiful, I don't give a shit if you are an ape reading this, you are fucking beautiful, buuutttt, imma going to see Sleeping With Sirens in September, which is gonna be fucking wicked.

I am a whore for pocky, I will give you the lap dance of your life if you give me pocky, thank you, if you really want to, we can play the pocky game as my payment and I'll eat it from your mouth, k thanks.

QOTD: What food item would you be a whore for? Find out next time on Total. Drama. This series was soo good until the like fourth one maybe.

~AntMan is a grouse movie, I would highly recommend it