Attention What If

Chapter 65

POV: Skylar

I sigh and plop down on my bed, wiping my eyes to hide my tears. Darleen comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me. I just got out of therapy. Darleen made me go back. It was brutal, as usual, but I do feel a little better getting all that stuff off my chest.

She waited for me at my apartment.

We sit in silence for a moment, just letting the night sink in.

One of her hands runs up my stomach while her lips press soft kisses to my neck. I find myself relaxing in her arms.

"You okay?" she finally asks.

"I will be," I grab her other hand and interlock our fingers.

Her lips nip at my neck more, harder, her teeth sinking into my skin. It's been so long since she's held me like this. It feels undeserving. Darleen's always had a way of making me feel insecure, undeserving, low. It's not because she's bad to me, the opposite, actually. She's so good, so amazing that I feel like there is no way a girl like her should be wasting her time on a girl like me.

She can do so much better than me.

"Why'd you keep it?" I decide to ask her.

"Hmm?"

"The book I made for you. The Skylar passes. Why'd you keep it?"

"I don't know," she admits. "I just... couldn't bear to part with it. I guess it was my way of holding on to you. To us."

"Why hold on to me? Why forgive me? I don't deserve either."

She sighs and goes back to kissing my neck, caressing my body softly, carefully.

"Why is it so hard to believe that I am in love with you?" she asks.

"Because I keep fucking it up. You should hate me. First, I cheated on you with Jade in high school. Then I was wishy washy with you and Vida. Then I slept with Aphrodite. I keep fucking it up. There is no reason you should have any feelings for me at all."

"Yet I do." Her lips smile against my skin.

"You really are unfair," I pout.

"I think you might be the unfair one, always pulling away from me." She holds me tighter.

"Maybe," I admit softly.

"Stop dwelling on all that stuff. It's behind us. This is a new chapter, a new start. Dwelling on the past will only continue to make you fuck up your future. Just let the people who love you, love you."

What if I don't deserve love?

I squeeze Darleen's hand hard.

What an awful thought to have.

Yet I can't stop myself from thinking it.

"I missed you," Darleen admits. "A lot."

Why would anyone miss me?

"You had Kenzie," I point out.

I had no one.

Suddenly, she pulls back, and before I can react, she slams me down on the bed. I blink up at her in surprise. She pins my arms to the bed and gets on top of me. I feel my face flush.

"Why aren't you hearing me?" She looks me in the eyes seriously. "I said I love you, I missed you, I want you. Why can't you hear that?"

I avert my eyes.

"Skylar," she demands.

"I... I missed you too," I finally admit.

"Don't be jealous, not when I'm right here in front of you. Don't write off my feelings. Don't assume you know better than me. I love you, Skylar. You deserve to be loved."