Broken Hope (Phanfiction)

Chapter 12

It's been over three weeks since my suicide attempt. I haven't even been alowed to shower on my own. Dan or Phil sit against the door and wait for me to finish. I haven't hurt myself since that day but I guess if Dan and Phil weren't so careful with not leaving me alone for too long and wouldn't have taken away my blades, I would have by now. And I think they know that. I've even gained some weight back. I'm not happy about it but Dan and Phil sure are. "Kyra can you come down here please?" I heard Dan yell up the steps. My mind immediately went off on its own as anxiety set in. Oh God, what did they find on my computer? Wait, I don't look at anything bad on my computer. Well...I mean. No what's wrong with me? There is nothing bad on my computer! Stupid brain. "Ky?" Dan was suddenly standing in the doorway of my room, looking concerned at the fact that I was staring blankly into space. I looked up at him. "Kyra, is everything okay? What were you just thinking about?" He asked. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I said. "You need to tell me what you were thinking about," he said again. I shrugged. "Nothing really, just some teenager type things," I explained. It wasn't that I wanted to hide anything from him, I just knew if I told him I was worried he found out about something I had done, he would get suspicious, even though I've done nothing wrong. He raised his eyebrows. "So what did you want to talk about?" I asked, changing the subject. "Oh yeah. So this weekend, Phil and I are leaving for some meet and greets and YouTube events and stuff like that. We wanted to bring you, but we thought about it, and it would just be too hard to keep track of you every second and be sure you weren't by yourself.  But we felt bad about not being able to bring you, so we decided that while we're gone, you can stay with our friend Connor," he explained. My eyes lit up. "C-Connor? As in C-Connor Franta?" I asked. He nodded. I jumped up and hugged him. Connor was one of my favorite people on YouTube and I had always dreamed of meeting him. "Are you serious?!?" I screamed. Dan laughed. "Yep I'm serious. But listen, just because we aren't around doesn't mean you're off the hook. Connor knows to watch what you eat and not to leave you alone. And if you refuse to eat or let him watch out for you, he knows to call us. And I can promise you, that won't end well with me or Phil. Got it?" He clarified. I groaned but understood. "Well go ahead and pack up some stuff, I'll be checking your bag before you leave," he said with a smile and I gave him another hug. I got out my phone and went on Twitter again for the first time in a while. I immediately regretted it after the first couple hate comments. But I couldn't stop reading. I could feel my eyes began to sting with tears and my throat suddenly felt strange. I felt sick. Without even meaning to, I yelled out Dans name and he came rushing in. He looked directly into my tear filled eyes and got down on his knees to be at eye level with me. He took my hands in his and rubbed the top of them with his thumb gently. He continued this until I was able and ready to speak. "They're right Dan, all of them," I said , my voice cracking as I spoke. "Who?" He asked. "All your guys fans. They're all right about me," I was crying again by now. He held me in his arms. "Can you show me your phone?" He asked. I nodded and got into Twitter before handing the phone to him. He frowned at their words. His eyes were now filled with tears but he held them back. "No," he said finally. "No they are not right. You are the opposite of what they say. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are worth much more than this," he took my wrist into his hand, gesturing toward my scars. "You are perfect to me. You are perfect to Phil. We love you. We love you more than you know possible. Don't listen to their words and certainly don't believe them. Please don't believe them..." He begged. My face was wet with the pain I felt inside. "I-I can't be strong anymore Dan. I just can't. I can't pretend that these words don't hurt me. I can't pretend I don't want to hurt myself. I can't pretend I believe that every breath I take means something. I can't constantly hold back tears anymore. I just can't fucking do this anymore! I'm sorry," I found myself yelling by my last few sentences. His deep brown eyes showed pain he was hiding with his smile. "Kyra, just because you cry, just because you admit to pain, just because you feel this way, just because you doubt your worth, none of that makes you any less stronger than you were before. You are the strongest person I know. It's okay to break down. It's okay to not be able to hold yourself up anymore. It's all okay. What makes you strong is that you are here right now. What makes you strong is that you are still fighting. What makes you strong is that even though you don't see the worth behind it, you are breathing. These things will hurt. They'll hurt like hell. Sometimes you'll feel this way without an explaination. But you keep fighting through it. It's so hard. It is so hard Kyra. I don't understand why we have to feel these things. I wish I did. I wish I could hold your heart in my hands until it was healed. I wish I could give you a reason behind the way you will feel. I don't know why it has to be so hard. I'm so sorry. But I promise you'll be okay. Please believe me..."