bare [h.s.]

In the End

song: Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

........

"Are you sure you have everything?"
My mother asks, face bright with
false happiness that we've all grown accustomed to.
Her crystal eyes gloss over in tears
as she leans her stature against
the wooden doorframe to see me off.

"Everything a single suitcase can
hold, that is," I lightly laugh, my fingers gripping around the suitcase handle.

"Hey kiddo, I'll pack the taxi," my father offers, taking my bag from me.
"You need to go talk to him."

I frown at my feet, preparing myself for the words I never wanted to say to Harry.
He stands far from the porch,
arms crossed over his chest.
He stares at something in the distance, but I know he's trying to avoid me.

"Hey," I greet, strolling across the lawn to reach him. I playfully nudge him, and he turns his head to face me.

"Hi."

I sigh, placing my hands on his wrists,
separating his stern stance.
"Please, let's not act like strangers.
Not again, not now."

"Isn't that what we'll be soon?
You have your future planned out
and you made sure I'm not in it.
So what are we now? Because from
my view, we are basically strangers."

I'm taken aback by his lashing out,
but I didn't expect anything less.
This was an awful thing to put him through, and I'll face the guilt every day.

"Don't say that, Harry," I plead, trying to intertwine our hands. He pulls away. "You know I love you. Please don't do this. Don't let it end this way."

I cup my hands around his cheeks,
and he meets my gaze against his will.
We don't speak for a few passing moments, both afraid of what to say next. There is anger and abandonment behind his eyes that slowly breaks me to pieces.

He touches my hands,
prying them from his skin.
He shakes his head at the ground,
refusing to cry in front of me again.
"I thought I could do this,
but it's clear I can't," he barely touches his lips with his shaking thumb, wanting to run away,
but he glares at me instead.
"Why do you have to leave me?"

My mouth falls open, but no words sound. He has become the vulnerable person I was before he saved me.
And I am the one hurting him.

I wrap my arms around his neck suddenly, pulling him into my embrace. His palms rest gently on my waist and his body trembles against my own.

"I never wanted to leave you," I whisper in his ear, reluctantly moving back to give him space.
"If you want me to stay,
I promise I will."

His face is red from holding back tears, but I don't bring attention to it. He shakes his head, "I'm not holding you back from happiness because of my selfish wants."

But I'm doing the same to you.

"You'll be okay.
We will be okay," I promise
to not only him, but myself.
"Who knows, we might see
each other again soon."

He nods, remembering something
that is in his pocket. His fingers slip out what looks like a photograph,
and he places it in my palm.

"For when I'm not around,"
he smiles as I gently trace the
people in the photo, cautious not
to ruin it. "You will always have a piece of me."

It's a still image of us,
his arms wrapped securely around
me as I lay my head on his shoulder.
Faint smiles are imprinted on our faces, though I can't clearly remember where we were or what we were doing. And I've never seen myself happier. I wonder if I'll ever find
that happiness again.

I hold it close to my chest, thanking him with a hug and peck on the cheek. "It's amazing, Harry.
I'll frame it once I'm settled into my apartment, so I can always look at it."

The taxi driver honks twice,
telling me it's time to leave.
Harry's face drops at that sound,
and is reluctant to let go of me.

"If you love something," he quotes quietly, releasing his hold around my shoulders, "you let it go. Now, go take Chicago by storm."

"I'll be seeing you," I vow, turning slowly on my heels, gathering the strength to walk away.

Harry gives a small wave,
kicking at the dirt below his feet.
"I'll be seeing you."

My father nestles my hair,
pressing a kiss on my forehead.
"No sex, no drugs, no violence.
When I call for checkups,
you better be studying!" He calls
after me, allowing himself to laugh
though it's a hard time for him.

I shift uneasily in the taxi, clenching
the photo in my fist as I give one
last, longing look behind me.
Harry tucks his hands deep into his pockets, swaying slightly as if he could lose his balance watching me leave him behind.

I press my palm against the foggy window, my heart yearning to be
with him again. But I know I can't.
For myself, I cannot return to him.
It was selfish of me to pull him into everything and it is selfish for me to
let him go, but in the end I know
he will understand it is for the best.
The best for not only me, but him.
He can focus on himself finally,
and find a love he truly deserves.
That love was never me.

I pray Harry notices my touch
against the cool glass, and he does.
He reaches his hand out before him,
keeping his palm stretched and open,
us both imagining we are touching
once more.

Harry's lips move slowly, almost frightened to mouth the words
'I love you', because even though
we haven't spoken the real word,
we know it means goodbye.

"Are you set to go?" The driver's eyes
meet my own through the overhead mirror, and I nod silently.

In the end, an abusive relationship left me stripped and bare. But a boy helped me become whole again.

In the end, I didn't get to live happily ever after with that boy. My life wasn't meant to be a fairytale.

But maybe this isn't the end.
Maybe our paths will cross again,
and we can start our story over.
This time, we can both have a happy ending. Just maybe.

And I will hold onto that hope.

As the car pulls away from the front
of my home, I wave to my parents,
who are entangled in each other's embrace for support.

And I look to Harry,
who turns his head up to the sky,
mouthing a phrase I can't quite comprehend, his emerald eyes
closing for a peaceful moment.
He doesn't watch me drive away,
and my body sinks into the seat.

"Is everything okay back there?"

I glance down at the photo in my hands, my fingertips gliding over the two people frozen in time.
They were radiant together,
and they will be even more so apart.

"Yeah," I say, "Finally, I'm okay."

My chest rises and falls slowly
as I calm myself, staring at the image intently. I hold the picture close to my heart, smiling up at the ceiling above me. My eyes flutter shut as I imagine gazing up at the same sky as Harry.
And I can almost hear his whispers in the air.

I imagine the light rays of day covering his tanned skin, his smile brighter than the sun. And the tears flow down my cheeks, but they aren't for pain or sorrow any longer.
They are for love, happiness;
they are for Harry.

I love you too.

end.