*A Nobody* *n.h.* -Finished-

God Gave Me You

I froze and looked up to see all of the boys plus Jake standing in the door way. Jake was silently crying and I could see the others were just staring at me with concern. I dropped the razor to the ground and put my face in my hands. The blood was falling down my arm and covered my clothes but I didn’t care. Those five boys seeing me like this was humiliating and I felt ashamed of myself. They probably think I am some freak or that I am doing this for attention, the exact opposite of what I want.  Now I really want to crawl in a hole and never come back out.

“Natalie, we need to clean your arm.” I think it was Liam who asked. I only knew all of the boy’s names but I didn’t know what their voice sounded like. Weakly I stood up and went over to the counter. I knew the routine to clean them and make sure they didn’t get infected so I did it myself.  No one said anything to me while I was cleaning it out they just watched or well looked at the other scars on my arm. They were now noticeable because I removed the bracelets.  I heard a quiet gasp come from one of the boys, I flinched away.

Some of them said a quiet sorry or something close to it. I didn’t reply but merrily nodded my head letting them know I heard them. I cleaned the small cut with some disinfectant and felt a little sting as the medicine hit the cut.

Half of me wanted to flinch away from the pain and the other half wanted to fully welcome the pain with open arms. I just kept my face neutral as I finished cleaning it and put some gauze over it. When I was done I turned around to face the boys and my brother.  Some of them had pained expressions and others were silently crying, unlike my brother who was crying full force in the middle of them.

I sighed and went over to him and embraced him in a hug. I could faintly hear the boy’s feet hit the floor as they each left me and my brother alone. Jake and I stayed in the embrace for a while. Slowly he stopped crying and I just held him.  My eyes would deceive me by making silent tears fill them. I knew I was doing something that was horrible but when I cut I finally feel something.

“I’m sorry Jake. This is hard on me and that’s the only way I know how to take away everything.” He pulled back and looked at me with hurt filled eyes.

“Nat, I love you so much and seeing you hurt makes me hurt. I know mom and dad are being complete asses about this whole thing but know that I love you and those five guys downstairs care about you. You have people that care about you now and I can’t watch you do this to yourself because it not only hurts you but me as well.” I was surprised to hear that the boys actually cared but something else seemed to matter more. When I hurt myself I am also hurting him.

My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t hold them. I bawled loudly. I hate when I cry in front of people but now that I know I’m not the only one being affected by this it changes things.

Jake rocked me back and forth as he lowly sang a song, off tune I might add but it was still sentimental.

“Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you”

He continued to sing and rock me until I was lulled into sleep.

So Did You All Listen To The Song To The Right? It's My Favorite At The Moment! (: - Courtney <3