Soldier

Chapter 10: Jace

The past day, it's not been anything like what I have wanted. I wasn't ready for any of this. For death, for fighting, for emotions I don't understand...

I looked out the window of the partner dorms I snuck into. I only gazed at the sky. I can't bring myself to look down at the battle ravaged center of the Academy. I sat on the edge of the windowsill, and allowed my feet to dangle outside. I haven't heard much about anything since the dog we met yesterday died, again. Well that's a lie... none of this is fair, why, why did she have to come...?!

I remembered when Alex asked ... that girl, to be his partner. I watched them from the crowd...

I was going to apologize for running off... but after I saw that... I snuck away when I learned about how Alex felt about that girl. I feel so-so jealous, but I don't want to be. The thing is... I have... I have feelings for Alex. Not just as a friend, as something more. Yet I would never say that to anyone. I hates myself for it, but Alex, he is always there for me. He cares about me, unlike my own mother did. And it made me so jealous when I saw that girl sticking so close to him like she was his shadow. They even kissed, in front of everyone. Why couldn't that have been me?!

I raised my own hand and slapped himself hard across his face. I felt my cheek afterwards. It stings from the blow. It's a good thing I guess, though, I thought to myself. Alex is with someone he loves. He's even going to stay with her his entire life as partners. They are even down at that church in the middle of the Academy having the local priest finalize it... but now where am I then? Will Alex just forget about me, will he have kids and move on with his life? With a happy story book ending? Will I just be the 'friend'?" I remembered when I barked at Alex, for asking me if I was alright. Which I wasn't, I am never all right. But why, why did I yell at him. Alex is someone who falls apart without his friends, without family... but, that's his weakness...

I shook away my thoughts. It's not love, this is an obsession. These feelings are only here because Alex is the only person to have ever shown me kindness, that actually cared if I lived or not. Whether I could accomplish anything at all or not in this life. It doesn't matter to Alex, he has always accepted me as a friend. Unlike my own family...

I remembered the days before I came to the Academy. My mother was a highly respected aristocrat. I never knew my father... but I had a picture of him. However, it was taken away from me a long time ago. All I had was my mother, and she thought of me as the "failure and mistake of the family." She never hit me. She had the servants do it. She never let me think any good of myself, always neglecting the love I wanted, that I needed. I was nothing more than a slave. An incompetent loser to her. She never cared about me, all she worried about was that I would study from night until day, and then do my chores until daybreak. I couldn't eat unless I did every task she assigned. I could hardly even sleep. If she caught me, I would get a scolding and be forced to study while she watched. The servants did nothing about my torment, whether they felt anything though... I didn't care, I didn't care about anyone. I was isolated and excluded from everyone. All so that I could join this accursed Academy and restore what little respect she had for me. But I promised myself that I will never give that b____ the satisfaction of ever redeeming herself, of ever apologizing, of ever getting anything from me. Of ever seeing him again, for all I care!

My relatives disliked mother for the fact she was "abusing" me. However they were just as bad. It's not like any of them ever cared. They would only use me to uphold our pathetic family name. However, my mother changed after I was accepted to join the Academy. Once I came of age. After the mysterious cult she followed gave up on her. When she realized what she had been putting me through, she actually tried apologizing to me; she tried giving him love and comfort. Did she think a simple "I'm sorry" would cut it?! After all those years... my heart was sealed tight, solid as stone. I pushed her away, everyone away. I beat anyone who got too close, no matter if it was her or the servants, or family or anyone! I would not let anyone betray me, I would not trust anyone! That is what I promised myself after all those years. I read so many books on so many subjects, like old accounts of child abuse, and got all these thoughts into my head. One of the books, an old narrative called 'A child called it'; a very sad story where a boy survives his insane mothers torment and torture for years, in a struggle to survive. The boys' father gave up on him, his own brothers helped abuse him. All the things I read, were about the cruelties of mankind, of the corruption and the incompetence of man; how vile the entire human race truly is, it opened my eyes to what the world is, cruel and unforgiving!!! After I watched the world, I figured it out. And if the laws weren't like they are now, I would probably be dead. My mother blamed me for her misery like the mother from the narrative did to her son. Both enjoyed it. When they realized their sin, it was too late. The only person I will ever trust is Alex, even if I will just be his 'friend'. Evan and Alex are the only family I will ever accept.

I will always remember... the day I met Alex. I was being bullied by some of the higher ups, and Alex fought them off. After that, Alex saved me a lot more times... and eventually, we became friends. Soon after I met Evan. Though... some things are better left forgotten with him. Some things are better left...