Soldier

Chapter 39: Alex

I can't believe how much of a fool I am... how I can be afraid of something as simple as blood. It literally courses through me. But that day... That day gave me a reason to fear blood. It's a horrible memory. And I have tried to hide it. I guess I kind of knew that I remembered, but with everything going on... It was easy for me to hide it in the back of my mind. That hazy memory I had... of the orphanage and the bells, the person who stared back at me... it was that day. To just hold it off, I made myself forget it. But when I was stabbed, that's when I remembered it the first time. It came back slowly with every passing day. But I still kept it suppressed. But when I... I killed the very one who should have killed me. I'm staring at his corpse, a hole where my heart should be, the feelings of guilt, of anger and a lot of other feelings, I can't let go of inside. And knowing what Kairi thinks of me.... I can't take it! She is all I... and I chased her away-

I continued to look down at the ground; I glanced at the dead body across from me. A shudder ran down my spine. With my hands, I slammed the wall behind me. It's not fair! Why does god do this to me? He can see every evil, every sin ever committed but he cannot stop them! He sees everyone's sufferings but does not lessen them. But I...I have no damn right to be saying these things about god. When I am nobody... I'm sorry. If I did something wrong, please don't let my friends, the ones I love, take the punishment. My sins are no ones, but my own... If god can hear me. Please just....

I shook my head in my own disbelief. If there is a God, I just want him to know that I am sorry. I can't handle this anymore. All this sin and death around me, I just want it to go away. I just want to live a happy life with Kairi. I guess, I'm really just a simple person. It isn't that much to ask for...

I looked toward the doorway to see a familiar face walk through the door. He has thick army boots, a torn camouflage jacket, and a white undershirt. His short hair spiked up. His eyes looked at me disappointed. Just another one to add to my list.

"Why are you here Willis? Can't I-"

Willis snarled back at me,

"Look at yourself Alex! You aren't acting like you! Snap out if it already, we've all killed someone... whether we like it or not! There is no other way around this! So what's really wrong? What's this I hear about you unable to forget something that sorely needs to be forgotten, huh?! What is it?"

I bit down on my lip. How am I supposed to answer that? Wills doesn't need to know about my past! About a past that I don't want to remember. "You don't understand Willis! I can't accept that memory, I refuse to go back to that time, when I..."

Willis stared at me intently. He knew what I meant. Yet he doesn't even get angry. Why is he-

Willis walked into the room and closed the door just enough so that I couldn't see outside. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and shook his head.

"Will you not do this for Kairi? Will you not let go of one part of your life so that you can go forward in the life you have now? She is your partner, Alex! You are the one who has to make her happy. Neither of you can or will ever move on with your lives unless you accept what happened and just get going with your family. One small memory, one you refuse to tell me, can very well end your chance of living a happy life. Don't screw up your life, Alex. So are you going to tell me or not?"

Willis crossed his arms, straightened his back and waited for me to answer. I can't just go out and say- I can't remember it. I don't want to...

"I... I... I..."

Willis grunted and asked me,

"You won't move on unless you tell me here and now what's going on with you. What happened that you refuse to tell me? Tell me Alex. I'm right here and I'm willing to listen. What happened?"