Fruitcake Sanctuary (GL)

Forty

Cecelia Christine Mendez

"Ano ang pinakatatakutan mo?" Tanong sakin ni Panda.

I think, I'm most afraid of...is to think, I'm most afraid of the things I see. I'm most afraid of the realization.

I'm most afraid of me.

It take a moment bago ako sumagot.

"Reality,"

Kinuha ko ang kamay ni Panda at magkasabay kaming tumalon sa tubig.

At sa mga sandaling yun wala akong kinatatakutan maliban sa mabitawan ko ang kamay niya.

Ang tubig sa lawa is surprisingly became warm and, below the surface, strangely clear and, well, blue.

Tumingin ako kay Panda, hoping her eyes are open, and they are. With my free hand, tinuro ko ang ilalim ng lawa, tumango naman ito. Together, we swim, sa malalim na parte ng lawa.

We head down, where the bottom would be if there was one. The water feels darker sa ilalim as if the weight of it has settled.

Naramdaman ko na lang nang hilahin ni Panda ang kamay ko, and let myself be pulled back up to the surface, where we break out of the water and fill our lungs.

"Wow, ang tagal mo pa lang sumisid,"

"I can hold it too long " Sagot ko, bigla namang namula si Panda when I look at her.

I love it when she did that.

She smiles and splashes me, and I splash her back. Pagkatapos ay hinabol ko siya sa paligid ng lawa, ducking under, grabbing her legs, she swims faster than me.

I remind myself that she probably grew up swimming in the sea.

Napatitig ako sa mga mata niya when we look at each other, then I feel there's an urge that I want to kiss her.

"Masaya akong makasama kita Cece,"

Lumutang kami sa tubig habang magkahawak kami ng kamay, nakapikit ang mga mata ko dahil nakaharap kami sa araw.

"Panda." Bumulong ko.

"Cece," Sagot niya and her voice sounds soft and far away.

"I found you," Hinawakan ko ng mahigpit ang kamay niya. I closed my eyes.

I'm going to hold on.

I don't want to let you go Panda.

I can't. Please don't go.

"I won't," Rinig kong bulong niya.

"But you did," I suddenly open my eyes and turned into her.

I smiled at her and she's gone.

Again.

I'm fcking Crazy.

***

Ate had taken me again to see a therapist, and I'd gotten again my real introduction to the word insane.

STPD isn't supposed to manifest until a person't late teens, at the earliest, but I'd gotten a shot of it at just seven years old.

I was diagnosed at twelve.

Delusion and Paranoia got tacked me again, after I verbally attacked my other therapist, I thought he's going to hurt me.

Hindi ko hinahayaan na hawakan ako ng kahit sino and I don't care what anyone says. I can see things beyond my imaginations.

I can see Panda.