Fruitcake Sanctuary (GL)

Chapter Sixteen

Wednesday 5:47 pm, tree house

The time I knew I was really certainly deeply in love was the time when there was NO question about it.

Isang araw, nakaupo lang kami sa tree house looking at her looking at me, and it just was there..

Undeniable.

Ano nga ba ang alam ko sa Love? Wala masiyado---that's the safe answer.

Para sakin, isa lang yung konsepto.

Isang bagay na isinusulat sa mga kanta, isang bagay na ginagawang tula ng makata, isang bagay na ang mga matalino ay naging tanga.

Kung gagawin kong konsepto ang Love, magiging isa akong magaling na observer.

Pero dahil dun, napagiiwan din ang damdamin sa loob ko ng kakulangan nun.

Minsan nararamdaman ko yun mismo. Yung maabot ko ba sa loob ang parte na may kulang--I wonder how it would feel, to touch an emptiness.

That nameless empty.

Pero hindi naman ang kakulangan nun talaga sa Love; yung kakulangan lang na 'mahalin'.

This makes me seem lonely, which isn't really true.

I have other parts of me--friendship, family and for one--which provide for the 'emptiness'.

Hindi ako nakaramdam ng kakulangan maliban lang sa mga panahon at sandaling wala na din akong iba pang maramdaman kundi iyon na lang.

I mean yung time na gusto mo na talaga makaramdam ng pagmamahal galing sa isang tao 'desperately' para mapunan iyon.

Yung pakiramdam ng paghangad kapag nalulunod ka sa pacific ocean na hinahatak ka pailalim at kailangan na kailangan mo na ng hangin para huminga, ganun yung feeling.

The feeling to be loved by a certain someone.

And that certain someone is Cece.

"Sunsets are proof that every endings can be beautiful too." Nabaling ang tingin namin pareho sa palubog na araw.

Naisip ko when I realized I was into her, it was scary to let go of all the things I was supposed to be and all the things I was supposed to want.

"Ang ganda mo, Panda" Napalingon ako sa nakangiting si Cece.

Yun ay hindi ko inasahan na sasabihin niya, na ipinaparamdam niya kung gaano ako kaespesyal.

"...I mean it. Someone should tell you that every single day of your life. And right now, it gets to be me." Napangiti na rin ako.

Tama nga, there is no question about it. There is no question about the feelin, and that crazy thing called love.

I look at her in amazement bago nakapagsalita.

"Ikaw naman talaga" Sagot ko at sumandal sa balikat niya.

"You like it"

"I do" Sagot ko.

Being with her feeling ko na sa akin ang buong kaluwalhatian.

I want to be with her, kahit matapos ang araw at didilim na naman ang paligid, gusto ko parin siyang makasama.

Sa pagtulog, I want to see her asleep o sa pag-gising, mukha niya ang makikita ko.

I want to wake up that way.

All of these strange impulses--I want to tuck her in. I want to be there, and be there, and be there.

Everywhere.