Teach me (L. Hemmings Smut FF)

Chapter 57

As I stand in front of my door I see red puffy eyes. Did he cry? He still hasn't answered to my question. What is he doing here?

"Are you alone?" He asks and I nod opening more the door so he can come in.
"I don't know why I'm here. I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. I just wanted to talk to someone. Not just someone. You. I wanted to hear your voice." He rambles nervous heading to the door again.

I crack a smile not sure of what's happening. "Don't leave." I say and he flinches his head towards me.
"I shouldn't be here. It's the campus of the university I teach at." He says now facing me.
"I know. But you're already here and you wanted to talk to me so just ... don't leave. What you wanted to talk about? " I want to ask him what happened, but considering he went to visit a grave, I think he did his crying there.

I see him pacing a little in front of the door as if he tries to figure out what he should do. I see him stop and come closer to me. All I know next are his hands cupping my face and his lips crushing on mine. His tongue brushes against mine and I feel the taste of alcohol in his mouth. I missed kissing him so bad, my body responds instantly to his touch. He deepens the kiss and as confused as I am right now I just don't want it to ever end.
He pulls me closer and the minute I wrap my arms around his neck I realize I should stop this. I can't do this. He can't just come here and kiss me and think everything will be as it once was. I step back and look confused at him. I want to tell him that he shouldn't have done that but, who am I kidding I wanted that too, I just know it's not good for me.

"I miss you, Y/n. I miss you so damn much and I know I said I wanted you to move on, but I don't because I miss you everyday. Ever since I left I felt a vital piece of me missing and I tried, I tried to fill that with teaching with people and music, and then you came here and everything I knew was clear. Every minute of every day since then has been about you and I just need you back in my life so much." He takes a breath and now's my time to speak.

"Luke. I- I missed you too, so bad. And damn everyday since I found out the truth I tried to just let go. I tried to hate you, although all I wanted to feel was nothing. I tried to erase you from my memory, but I couldn't, I couldn't do any of those things because you really got to me. I really loved you, I still do love you..." I look at his glistening eyes and try as much as I can not to let them get to me.

"But?" He asks, as if he knew I was gonna say it.
"But I'm not in love with you anymore Luke and you can't just kiss me and expect us to be the way we were." I whisper slowly and I see him arrowung the floor with his eyes.

"I don't want us to be the way we were. I want us to be better than that. And if you could just let me in ..." He can't finish the sentence because I cut him off.
"That's not fair Luke."
"Not fair? Y/n you wanna know how many women I slept with in the last year?"
"Don't do this."

"Hundreds. And I could barely look at their faces. I did this because I was lonely, it was just a sad time out because every time I was inside someone there was only one face I could see. Ever since you came here it's been like a sign for me, like my past ran over me to give me another shot to fix things, to make them better. I know I did a terrible thing to you and I don't know how many times you want me to apologies for that, but I will as many as it takes. But don't tell me it's not fair to ask for another chance, because what's unfair is hearing you say you love me, but still not give me a chance to earn your forgiveness and trust back." I stay speachless in front of him.

What is it about him? I know I want him back in my life, I know I love him, but yet still I can't open my heart to him again.

"Luke .." I whisper but I have no idea what to tell him. "It's just the alcohol speaking." I continue and see his eyes roll. "Yeah, call it whatever you want. But you know it's nothing but an excuse to make yourself feel better. Just ... tell me, once and for ever. Tell me what you want. Just let me fucking know what to do because if you say not to ever talk to you again, then I will do it. But tell me already because I can't see you in class everyday and pretend I feel nothing for you. TELL ME ALREADY Y/N!" He raises his voice at the end and I feel tears welling up my eyes.