Teach me (L. Hemmings Smut FF)

Chapter 52

"Mrs Y/L/N, a word please?" I nod at Luke feeling so numb walking back towards his desk.
"In my office please." he tells me and I lool back at Charlotte who makes a face expression that tells me to follow Luke.

"I have Art in 15 minutes" I say as he closes his door. I look at him and cannot read anything on it.
"Y/n, I'm not just your temporary architecture professor. I cannot be Nathan Peterson for you ... because you're not just my student. You never were and you will never be. I'm Luke and I can't pretend anymore. I know I've made the biggest mistake of my life when I left, but everything that's been happening around us, every single thing that's been drawing us to each other is just too much to pass by. I can't let things unfinished between us."

I stand there in complete silence unable to move. I watch him and it's like he's speaking another language. My heart wants to wrap itself around his, but my brain is to exhausted from picking up the little pieces of my heart that are still wounded by him.
"I .. uhm .. Luke we're pretty finished and you knew that from the second you landed here in London, 10 months ago." I say not letting my heart to speak this time.

I can see the tears making their ways in Luke's eyes and I don't want this. This will tear me apart.
"No baby, please don't say that- we can work it out somehow. I won't hurt again, I prom-"
"Don't make promises Luke, because you didn't keep them before. You know? I opened my heart and let you in, it was supposed to feel safe. all those 'I can't live without you's and you didn't even give me the chance to say goodbye. I wish I'd trust you again to let you in, but we're finished Luke. Our story just has a sudden end, it reached the cliff and I don't know about you, but I'm jumping off of it." I try so hard to hold back the tears and he shakes his head.

"Is this what you really want?" he asks and I wish it was easy for me to reply to his question, but it's not because I know deep down it's not what I want.

"I have Arts now." I go towards the door and open it wanting to get out of there. I feel like everytime I'm near Luke, somehow the air gets sucked up from the room.
I feel him grabbing my arm, stopping me from walking away.
"Is this what you really want Y/n?" he asks again and I gulp looking into his eyes.

I know I have to say it. I know I need to lie to give us both some space.
"Luke, you cannot be serious right now and say yiu want us back. Not after all that. I don't want that. Goodbye Mr Peterson." suddenly he lets go of my arm and gulps not moving a muscle. I keep the architecture notebook to my chest barely breathing fastly walking away from there.

As I wall towards Arts I wanna cry and smile at the same time. I let go of him and it feels like some weight is off of my shoulders, but at the same all the memories of him pop into my head and I wanna turn back and run back to him.

I just realized that all those ten months while he was gone, the one that always stood by myself was Michael. He was the one who took care of my broken heart, he was the one whose feelings I've hurt time after time and still stood by me. All this time I couldn't let him in because I was too hurt, but now I feel in a strange way free. I finally feel that closer I needed with Luke.

This thanksgiving I'll tell Michael everything. In three weeks when I go back home to stay with mom, I'll see him and I'll tell him everything, including how stupid I was for turning him down so many times.
***
It was not easy. I though it will be easy. I thought that after I tell him I don't want him, I will forget him. I thought that after I had the final word, the pain will stop. I thought that if I get to say goodbye, somehow it will be easier.

It's not. It still pains me everytime I walk in that class and take that same goddamned seat. It hurts to see him pretending I'm not there. It makes my heart flinch in bittersweet oceans when he looks quickly away when I glance at him. It makes that stupid nod in my throat to constantly reapear when he jokes in class and smiles looking at everyone only for it to slowly fade when he catches my eye. it sucks.