Affliction | cashton |

Chapter Thirty-Three: Trying

It takes time.

To adjust. 

To get used to the old.

And they're are trying.

They are trying their hardest to get used to being with each other again, at the least the broken brunette is trying. When Calum brought Ashton back to the apartment after signing him out of the hospital Ashton literally scoffed at the condition of the apartment. Empty wine bottles lining the counters and littering the floor, dishes filled the sink, even the white walls looked filthy. Calum was taken aback by the small laugh he made but he shook it off because he missed Ashton and Ashton was here.

Then he became confused when Ashton picked up one of the wine bottles and started chugging at the red liquid. But he shook that off too, the older man had just woken up from a coma so Calum didn't question him.

Days passed and Ashton wouldn't leave Calums apartment. Calum would ask him if he wanted to take a walk with him, but Ashton would simply shake his head with a simple 'M'just tired', and Calum believed him, because it's Ashton. Then he started to become distant and Calum didn't question him, because it's Ashton, and he loves him enough to trust that he'll work whatever it is out. Ashton wouldn't let him touch him, kiss him, a simple brush of the shoulder would have him scurrying off as far away from the brunette as possible, and that hurt.

Calum was sitting on the couch, soft music coming through his  laptop, I Found by Amber Run, a book held in his hand and glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. He was starting the second chapter of Into The Darkest Corner when Ashton came stumbling into the room. Calum glanced up, the boxer clad man plopping down on the couch, slamming the laptop shut before turning the tv on. It had been five months since Ashton woke up, each and every day he grows more and more distant, and Calum doesn't know what to do. Maybe he should say something. Maybe he should stand up and force him to talk about it, tell him what's making him act so distant.

But Ashton is here, and after so long Calum can finally say that. He can say that his love is in the same room as him with his eyes open. And for a while his heart was beating normally, instead of the agonizingly slow pace it used to be it was at a steady, content pace that he was ok with, a pace he could live with. Maybe he was just in denial, maybe it was the fact that Ashton was here that made his mind go fuzzy.

"Can we talk?" Calum's voice was soft and nothing above a whisper, like it always is. Ashton let out a noise that sounded like a mixture between a groan and a scoff. Calum studied the hazel eyed boys face for a second, his scuff growing longer, large bags under his bloodshot eyes, tanned skin begging to be washed.

"Why?" Ashton asked, he sounded annoyed, which made Calum want to run and hide, crawl into a hole and cry until the sun fell down.

"Because we don't talk anymore" Calum mumbled. He started to question whether Ashton even heard him or not due to how soft he said it.

"I'm tired" Ashton muttered, scratching at his arm as he turned the channel, George Lopez coming onto the screen.

"You're always tired" Calum mumbled. He meant to say it in his head but when the words left her lips and entered Ashton's ear drums, his head snapped to the side a harsh glare being sent to the brunette.

"Excuse me for just waking up from a damn coma Calum" the tone of Ashton's voice when saying his name sent tears into his eyes, he slipped his glasses off, setting the frames and his book on the coffee table.

"I get it Ashton. You were hurt and you slipped into a coma but don't take it out on me" Calum weakly defended.

"I'm not taking it out on you, maybe I just don't fucking want to talk to you. Maybe I want to sit here for a minute without reminiscing about the fact that I was stabbed" Ashton yelled, making Calum flinch. He's had enough, enough of the silence, enough of the obvious avoidance and unspoken loathing. 

"You've been sitting here for five months Ashton! Marcos dead and you're letting him control you from the damn grave! Instead of trying to dissappear into the couch cushion, try going outside and figuring out what's wrong?" Calum stood up from the couch, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks. Ashton stood up, standing dangerously close to the smaller boy.

"I was almost killed Calum. Do you know what it feels like to spend every day with your mind wide awake but your body is just completely dead? No, you don't, and you never will" Ashton said through his teeth.

"Then explain it to me! I want to help you and you're not letting me in, do you know how much that hurts? You've been inches away from me for five months and you haven't said a single fucking word about how fucked up my arms are, about how tired I always look, about how raw and fucked up my cuts are. I cut this morning and left my blood on the bathroom counter yet you never said anything-"

"God you always find a way to make it about you don't you?" Ashton cut him off loudly. Calum froze for a second, barely processing the sentence.

"What?" He questioned, praying to god that he misunderstood the man.

"It's always about Calum. Calum's sad, Calum needs help, Calum took too many pills, Calum won't put the razor down, Calum Calum, Calum" Ashton screamed. Calum couldn't stop the tears that were cascading down his cheeks, from his bloodshot eyes. Ashton was his rock, but this isn't Ashton. Ashton wouldn't say such cruel words to Calum.

"I never asked for your help. You wanted to help me and I was actually happy that you managed to squeeze yourself into my life because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. When you fell into a coma I was miserable, I drank and I cut because you weren't there to tell me I was worth it. I sat by your bedside for almost two years waiting for you! And now you're right here and you still don't say anything. I spent day after day staring at you until someone dragged me back home, because I would have stayed there day and night until you woke up. So don't you dare say it's always about me, for a year and 11 months I waited for you" Calum yelled.

"Oh thank you so much Calum. thank you for throwing your life away just to save the poor boy in the hospital. When are you going to realize that I don't need you?" Ashton screamed

"What the hell is going on in here?" A voice yelled from the doorway Calum snapped his head up, seeing a fuming Nia stood in the doorway

"Nothing" Ashton muttered before walking off to the bedroom. Calum stood there, letting his tears wet his cheeks as his throat ached with the sobs he was trying to hold in. He felt hands on his hips, wishing they were Ashton's but when the hands turned him around he had buried his face in Nia's chest. She wrapped him in a warm hug, letting him sob into her chest and wet her tee shirt with his tears.

"He's just being a dick because he doesn't know how to cope" Nia spoke softly, rubbing her hands up and down the expanse of his back.

"I'm trying to stay calm but he's not letting me in and that hurts so bad Nia" Calum cried, lightly pushing himself away from the  curly haired girl.

"Just take a breath. He'll come around. He always does doesn't he?" Nia gave the by a small smile.

"I don't know if I can sit around and wait anymore" Calum whispered, almost too quiet for Nia to hear.

"What do you mean?" The girl asked.

"Ashton's ok now, at least as ok as he can be right now. I need to be ok too. I think I'm gonna go live with Michael and Luke for a while, in Australia"