Affliction | cashton |

Chapter Thirty-Four: Goodbye

Dear Ashton,

    There was one time when you were still in the hospital that I actually felt ok. I remember the day so clearly because it was the day that Nia and I became close friends. It was a Tuesday and it had been raining all week. I was really sad because they said your condition was getting worse, I remember crying in the middle of Wal-Mart because they were out of Mint N' Chip ice cream. Nia was with me and she said she didn't know how to make a depressed person feel better, but once she said it a look of realization crossed her face. Then she told me it was ok for me to feel down, she said it was ok that I felt the need to hurt myself in order to control my pain. She told me she wasn't going to try and 'cheer' me up anymore because it was pointless, I needed you and she understood that because she needed you too. Then she took me to the park, and we sat down by the small pond and watched the children play. She told me that you and her used to go there because they were all so innocent and oblivious to the worlds evils. She said that you once told her that those kids would grow up and they would be hurt, some will survive and some will destroy themselves.

    I guess that's what I did huh? I destroyed myself. How does one just leave someone behind? I guess you could ask that question. When you read this letter I won't be here anymore, I'm not saying I'll be dead, I'm going to Australia to stay with Michael and Luke. I don't know if I'll be back, so I'm writing you this letter and I hope you understand why I had to do this. I don't know if you care anymore, it seems like you don't, but I do so I had to say goodbye. I left my razors behind, I decided I would quite cutting, it wasn't making me feel as good as it used to. In some twisted way I was doing it to get your attention, then when you didn't even see how much I was hurting, that hurt even more.

    I thought that when you woke up everything would be ok again, but everything just got worse, and I'm not saying it was your fault, because it wasn't. I don't know if I wasn't supportive enough, maybe I just didn't understand, but I suppose it's too late now. I don't know who you are anymore. There's was a stranger living in my apartment for five months and he was breaking me down.

    You were everything to me Ashton, that's why I have to leave. Without knowing, you taught me how to love myself, you taught me how to conquer my fears. I sat in an ambulance for you, so now I'm getting into Nias car because I love you, that may not make sense to you but it does to me. You held my scars up to the sunrise and showed me that there was beauty even in the darkest of things. I want that Ashton back. I loved that Ashton. But I can't love this Ashton, I refuse to. I refuse to let this Ashton hurt me. So if you see the old Ashton, tell him there's a brunette waiting for him, like he always was. From sunrise to sunset.

Love, Calum.