Rejecting Hope (Old Copy)

Chapter Forty Nine - "If I Die Before You Wake."

(Ariana)

     The car is speeding down the highway; meanwhile, I no longer feel a thing. I'm drained, and emotionally empty. It's funny, how I couldn't seem to accept death before. But now that I have something to die for, I've accepted the face of death. I wanted to live so badly, but if I am to sacrifice my life for theirs... then so be it. Yet, I can't help but to think of him, is he awake? Does he know that I'm gone by now or is he still asleep, happy and ignorant to the fact that I am gone. Will I be dead before he wakes? Was I sick for not waking him up, for not letting him get to say his last and final goodbye?

The idea that he will be awoken to a world without me, kills me more than my father ever could. Those words that I had written upon his letter... oh how they sicken me and instantly I felt horrible to have ever written them. But they were needed for his survival and I hope that he may be able to at least someday, move on without me... for all that I've ever wished for dearly, is for him just to be happy. So I look out the window and watch the world pass me by, just like my short life had.

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Hope,

I'm leaving you... I want you to know the truth.

But in the privacy of your own space and in the privacy of your own home. Truth is, that I should've left you years ago. Before all of the birthday parties, the graduations or even the many family events that I was never fully comfortable at. I was always over everyones head... I could never fit in and so I just pretended that I was the same. But I wasn't and I never could be because of him. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I should've left you before we had ever fallen in love or even grew fond of each other for the matter. I should've left you, before any strings were even attached.

I guess you always did say no strings attached, huh? Back when we were little kids anyways. It was the only way that you could ever get me to let you in, the only way that you could ever get my guard down was by making me believe that this was all just some sort of dream come true and you really did make it feel that way...

But there are always strings attached Hope and that was something that you should've learned. You should've stayed away from me, just like everyone else had. You should've treated me like I was poison, you should've rejected me too. Because now I fear that I have poisoned you. I poisoned you with the very nightmare that, that man had created. I wanted so dearly for our dream to last forever, but the nightmares were always stronger.

It was rough Hope and I never wanted to lie to you. All of my life I have tried, to avoid doing these kinds of things to you. But it was bound to happen sooner or later, wasn't it? After my countless attempts with what, the car, the gun, those wretched pills, my head on collision and even trying to starve myself to death? Well this time, it's submission to my father and I don't think that death will be so kind as to let me slip through his fingers once again. But this letter even serves to tell you that I can't lie to you anymore.

By now you're probably confused as to why I'm writing to you with such a vague intention. But this world as a whole has inflated me into this state and I am so sorry Hope... so very sorry. However, all of my life I've been a balloon that has been just drifting for so very long and he had sucked the air away from me relentlessly. You see I was descending. Yet somehow you were able to blow me up with that splendid helium again, even if it was just for a short amount of time.. you gave me the ability to live, the ability to fly.

But I can no longer be with you.

And so you must learn the truth, that from the very beginning I was stuck in this constant Limbo. Constantly running away from the very things that I had wanted most, in order to protect them. I ran away, away from you, from Lacey and even Jansen too. I had kept running in fear that my nightmares would someday catch up to me and poison you all too and so I ran in circles. But soon enough that nightmare had caught up to me too... It was the day that you were about to draw the last straw with me, I had bit my lip in agony and ran as the blood coursed it's way down my lips. But within my mindless state I had ran so far and tripped and fell and the next thing I knew... he was right in front of me.

I did not lie to you, that day I had told you that he was okay with us being together. Nor did I lie to you when I had told you that he had told me that he'd kill you or anyone else that I've ever loved. However, my father and I... we had made a pact that day.

He threw me against a tree, told me that he was on the run from a woman who was suspicious of my mothers death. He said that now was the time that he was going to kill me. That he needed to do this in order to erase all and any remains or memories of that very horrid day, burried so very deep within our dark past. But as he lurked in, I started to fight, I made a ruckus. Screaming and attracting attention from everyone around us, he shushed me and fought back. Restraining me somehow and it was then that I had made a deal with the devil. Are you beginning to understand now Hope? Are you begining to understand the horrid and selfish thing that I had done?

I had made a pact with him, that within a three months time, that if I were to go peacfully with him and to my death. That then and only then, could I spend these last three months being with the one I love, being loved and loving whoever I had held dear to me with a gaurentee that no one else would get hurt once I were to leave this planet. For after I was dead, he'd kill himself too. I know that in what I had chose, that all of you would think that I was being stupid, that I am a complete and utter idiot. However, I must ask of you, can you really blame me? All that I had wanted was a chance to live again, to love and be loved again, and you... you had given that to me, Hope. You showed me that I could actually live and see the beauty in life. You gave me what I needed most in this world, you gave me Hope for a better world.

I apologize that I started to panic as my time began to run out near the end. However, how could I not? After those last three months with you, let's just say, that they were worth more than each and every second that I have ever spent in my entire life without you. You are my life and I will always love you, for death cannot end love, but only delay it for a little while...

You were my best friend Hope.

Never forget, that's the truth...

and I will always love you.

I'll see you again, in the next life.

- Forever Yours

Little Dream Cloud.