Rejecting Hope (Old Copy)

Chapter Thirty Seven - "I Won't Give Up on You." - Part 1 -

        (Ariana)

                 Life is so ironic at times, isn't it? Some days you're soaring so high, other days you're just barely crawling by and I can't help but wonder... what would these days be called? The days in which you walk around relentlessly. Confused and anxious, just waiting for that opportune moment in which you or even the other person might muster up the courage to come forth and talk. The moment in which you drive yourself insane as you await, hopelessly hoping for that oportune moment of life to continue yet again. What would you call this?

          

                                                           Neither Heaven nor Hell.

     

       But then it strikes me, that strange word... Limbo. It lies on the edges of Hell, one wrong step and you can fall in forever. But to be honest, I think that Limbo is worse than either. Because at least when your in Heaven or Hell, you know where you stand. But when you're in Limbo, you have completely no idea what is going on.

        Limbo, how long have I existed in your state? It seems as if I've been stuck inside of you for so long now that you almost feel like an imprisoned home to me. I used to be able to escape you occasionally. But now that he is gone, I fear that I am trapped here and this feeling has lasted way too long.

      Hope... so this is where we stand now, in a world of confusion, lost and wasting precious time.

                                                 It's been days since we last talked... hasn't it?

            I don't like to consider the fact that it's over between us. So instead, I like to think that he's embarrassed, because of what he said to me back then. I mean... he's never been accustomed to heartbreak. Rejection, yes. Heartbreak, I'm not too sure. But even that, he seems slightly accustomed too. But that could be because of the fact that he's seen it way too many times before. For only God knows how many girls hearts he's broken... yet it still kills me to see him walk out through those school doors everyday.

       I walk home, silently and alone from another empty filled day. I feel empty and I don't know why... suddenly I begin to run. I can't control my body, I just do it and the minute I get home, I slam the door and run upstairs. I gasp as I fall to the floor, dropping everything I was once carrying.

                                                 It didn't work, running didn't work!

        My mind starts to panic, running has always worked, that is until now! Why didn't it work!? My hands immediately jump to my throat as I rock forward, I can't breathe! My lungs feel like they're going to burst, why am I having an anxiety attack? What is wrong with me?

                                                             "AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

            I scream at the top of my lungs, but it doesn't work. Immediately I'm thrown into a downwards spiral of emotions, I'm crying helplessly for what feels like an hour until sooner or later, I finally calm down. Then once again... I feel nothing. Emotionless as a rock, I stand and walk slowly to my door, locking it. I didn't check to see if anyone was home even though I do highly doubt it and even if Jansen did hear any of that I can just tell him that I'm having attacks again. Suddenly my eyes are grown wide. Why did I have an anxiety attack? I haven't had one of those since the period of depression I went through after my mom died. Then it hit me, my body... or at least me. I don't know what it is, but I'm terrified. He was my blanket of protection for so long, that I no longer feel protected here or anywhere for that matter... without him.