Rejecting Hope (Old Copy)

Chapter Thirty Six - "Tried So Hard."

(Ariana)

             It takes him a moment, but without hesitation to even think about it he responds quickly.

                                                                        "No."

           "No? What do you mean no!?" I question his refusal, at this point I was starting to fill with ferocity.

    He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes.

       "I mean just simply that... No, we are not doing this again." I am exhausted, tired mostly of just everything at this point. I no longer felt like fighting anymore, I just want to go to sleep. 

           "Then tell me now, what is it that we are doing again that shall not be happening again?" He heaves out a hard breath...

           "Come on Ariana, relationships don't last without communication. You're shutting me out and we're fighting again and I just can't tolerate that!" He screams near the end, when he starts to lose my attention.

                            "We're not fighting, I am not mad. I'm just... exhausted." I let out.

        Suddenly he lets go of my shoulders, "Don't give me that Ariana..." His face contorts and just as soon he compose's it.  Looking away he coughs to relax his chocked up throat, then he looks back.

            "Look I am sorry that I worried you, I am sorry that I failed you or made you unhappy even if it were for just a few minutes, a few hours or even days! But most of all I am sorry that I can not tell you the truth right now, I am sorry most of all for that because I know how it feels!" Suddenly he starts to cry.

         "I know how it feels to want so badly to reach out to the one that you love when they are in trouble... but to have to be rejected by them for your own safety. Because I have done so for you, so please do so for me. Please you can't do this to me, you can't force me to tell you. I will tell you on my own time I promise, I just can't right now."

                     "And why can't you!" I yell suddenly, then cover my mouth amazed at myself. He seems to be a little caught off guard as well. Suddenly he grabs my wrist gently, "Because I can't... please just understand that. I don't understand why your so angry, since you were so happy earlier. Maybe it is because I disappointed you or maybe it's because for the first time in your life you've realized that you may not know everything about me. That I have secrets too and that scares you to death... I don't know why you went looking for me but I did tell you the truth. " Suddenly it hits me, I am blocking him out.

         I'm blocking him out of my life and getting furious with him over nothing because of my own insecurities. For the first time since we started this relationship, I've realized that he may not be ready to open everything up to me just yet and that scares the living hell out of me. It scares me because it makes me believe that I am not good enough.

                   "I'm not good enough..." I whisper, terrified. He shakes his head and kisses me.

           "You're wrong, I'm not good enough." He laughs a little, slightly scared out of his mind.

 Suddenly I start to detach myself, I start to panic. "That's what people say when they break up... It's not you, it's me."

      He yells without hesitation. For he can't lose control of this situation and he can't lose me... no, not again.