Rejecting Hope (Old Copy)

Chapter Eighteen - "More To Life Than Trying to Survive." <3

(Ariana)

              Sitting beneath this old Sycamore tree that was once ours, I realize just how much of it has truly grown. It's evergreen leaves dancing in the wind, together they're bounded by a stem. A stem of an unbreakable bond and an unbreakable bond is but an absolute that can never win. But do they like to live like that? Stuck to a limb, with no freedom to call their own? Reaching up, I touch one of it's silky smooth emerald leafs. I close my eyes and wonder, is that why they fall? To have that moment of ultimate freedom as they dance against the wind? But only to die in the end? My head falls quietly against it's bark. Am I falling?

        Yes... I am but a leaf on the verge of falling. That much has always been true. But what about him? If I fell, would he fall with me? If he would, then I wouldn't care if I'd died in the end, as long as that fall had meant something. My chest is suddenly aching, I wish he was here with me.

       But he isn't and so I sit here, cold and alone as I tighten my blanket around me.

       It's Sunday now, I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I already have enough stress to deal with as it is, especially considering the fact that my wreckage is being broad-casted everywhere for everyone to see. My head falls into my hands and suddenly I'm overwhelmed as I start crying, "I'm so tired of this... I don't want to deal with it anymore."

                                      My thoughts are relentless, my mind goes back to that day.

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                Fluttering, my eyes are hard to open at first. But through barely closed eyelids, I can sense the bright flashing lights. Red, white and blue, so patriotic. Funny, how that's the first thing that comes to mind. I hear this irregular beating, I feeling the pounding of it line up within my chest. It sounds, like a machine. My eyes give up and fall once more. The world is dark and vast now, it's peaceful and warm and suddenly I'm so sure, that... I want to stay here forever. Suddenly, I hear a long piercing noise. A flatline ringing out and a rush of air. Two cold irons against the skin upon my chest, before I'm jolted back to life again. One jolt, my fingers move, I'm strapped to a gurney. Two jolts, my ropy lashes are suddenly twitching. Three jolts and my heart starts beating. I start breathing and I realize that the world is abruptly cold when the reality hits me, that I am awake and that I am aware of everything that is surrounding me. My body aches, my hearts now racing and it was then that I realized... just what I had done. The memories came flooding back instantly, I was hit... in a suicide attempt.

                               God... why didn't you let me die?

        Adjusted to the bright white lights, my eyes look up to the man before me. I see such bright and valiant sea green eyes and I panic "Hope?" I whisper in desperation... but my voice isn't loud enough for him to hear. "Hope?" I croak out once more as I begin to cry, the man looks down at me, with wide and vunerable eyes. "She's awake! Emergency room stat!" He calls out as the back doors to the vehicle suddenly opens and he turns to me as they begin to run. Lauging lightly he says, "Yes, you have hope. Now, how many fingers am I holding up?" He puts a hand out in front of my face and holds up three fingers. I realized then, that this man was not Hope, but merely a doctor.

        "A-three." I whisper. He nods his head as he looks ahead, his dark hair falling in front of his face. I didn't want to think it, but he reminds me of Hope. You know, maybe I am going crazy. "Tell me, do you remember your name?" My head was growing dizzy and I couldn't quite focus but I answered him anyways.