Rejecting Hope (Old Copy)

Chapter Twelve - "Like A Love-Sick Lost, Puppy." <3

(Ariana)

        "Click." Putting away my toothbrush, I close the mirror shut and look up to see my face, I try to focus. But, I can't concentrate. I stand in this bathroom, palms clenching the edge of the sink as I try to control my breathing. I'm spiraling, I'm freaking out. My chest is heaving and my brain isn't helping, instead it's displaying images of Hope's face and I can l see him... I can see him, he's smiling, he's holding me while I sleep and he looks so serene. Almost... almost as if he'd knew that we'd have that moment forever.

      But he was wrong.

          When I finally open my eyes, I take in my reflection. Blond hair and blue eyes, I look so stressed and yet this is the most well rested that I've seen myself look in weeks. Purple, yellow and gray... He's left his marks of love to dance themselves hauntingly all the way up and down my neck. I try to use my concealer to hide them. But I can still feel them and as my hands trail themselves all the way down to my stomach. Even now, I know that I can still feel the ghost of those arms around me and it scares me to death.

             These old feelings are coming back, this just isn't good. I close my eyes and sigh heavily as his words from so long ago haunts my mind. "I mean God dammit, people can love can't they? You can love someone so much! But never as much... as you can miss them."

       I swallow deeply and a feeling of agony overwhelms me, how true a statement like that could be. Because I miss everyone, mom, Hope, my friends and heck... I'm even ashamed to admit, that I kind of miss my father too. But, they were all hurt or dead because of me. I mean, how could I even dare to exist upon this planet anymore? How can I just do all of these horrible and despicable things to all of the people I love!

           "Fuck!" I scream aloud, I lash out and punch at the glass mirror. Parts of it crack and the latch falls as it loosens the door. Slowly, the door creeps halfway open. Part of what I see in front of me is half of my face and the other is a ginormous load of medicine bottles. I knew what was about to happen before my mind had even questioned it as my fathers voice whispers within my head "Life or Death?" Suddenly, I'm choking horribly on my sorrow and the hate that I hold against myself with the up-most certainty. Because I am such a crybaby and I don't even have the right to cry. Opening my eyes again and looking at my appearance... I couldn't help but to question the girl that was in the mirror, the one that was staring back at me. She didn't even feel like me.

       "Who are you?" I whisper as I trace my hand down along the mirrors edge, trailing my fingers along the surface. Hope's smiling face comes back to me and abruptly I stumble back into the wall. I had totally led him on last night, hadn't I? I revved up his feelings, I screwed him over entirely and for what? Only to push him away from me but even harder. Didn't I know this? Didn't I already fucking know this! I begin to shake uncontrollably and I couldn't even stand it. "Shit, shit, shit." I don't like where my thoughts are leading. The thought of having to see his face in such pain again. I fall to the ground as I sob uncontrollably. "This sorrow, it could all end today, couldn't it?" My mind whispers back to me in that most horrible, abusers voice. It whispers such dangerous things and I try to keep myself quiet like I always do when I reach this certain panic. I look at the bottle of pills above me. "Sooner or later, you'll succeed from all of your tries." I close my eyes, "Not this again." I whimper.

         But soon enough my tears do subside and I don't know what I'm doing. But my whole body suddenly takes over my mind as it shuts itself down completely and I am sniffling. I get up and slowly I open up the rest of medicine cabinet. Slowly, I take down a bottle of medicine. "I love you, my baby." My mother's voice hits me like the Bubonic plague. I didn't deserve you love, I take down another and I hear Hopes screams on that night way back when... a night that should never ever be remembered. You deserved so much better then me, your life means so much more than mine. I keep on, taking down another one, another and... another. Until ultimately, they're all lying out before me. My hands start to tremble as I take the first bottle, I pop off the cap and stare at the contents left inside. "Just fucking do it." My mind whispers to me and it whispers it in my abusers voice.