Rejecting Hope (Old Copy)

Chapter One - "Maybe Next Time... But Probably Not."

P.O.V. - (Ariana Raines)

I thought about ending my life again today. It's a phrase I'll never say aloud, but it's true. I saw a knife in the kitchen this morning and envisioned plunging the thing into my throat. I didn't, obviously, but thoughts like those have become more reoccurring as of late. The funny part is that I'm more scared of just how not scared I am about the thought of ending my life. It's like I'm terrified of my own existence and yet, too much of a coward to extinguish myself from it.

I stand in my front lawn. Tending to my mothers garden, I turn on the hose and hear the neighbors door slam shut. It's Ezra, Ezra Hope, my childhood best friend. Or at least, that's what he used to be. Now, I don't know what he is to me anymore, besides a neighbor. One with the audacity to give me a show with his new 'hoe' from across the yard. But know that when I say the word 'hoe,' I am not pertaining to the dictionary term for a 'gardening tool'.

I ignore at the two of them, hoping that my presence would be enough to stop them from continuing their massive make-out session in this distinctly public world. It doesn't. On the contrary, having an audience seems to empower them.

The girl shoves herself so hard against him that his garage door opener freaks out. I couldn't care to continue to count the number of times his head slams into the device, but at this point, it's exceeded the 20's. I wanted to tell him to get a room and have some decency to keep his sex life off of his mothers yard. That the Ezra I knew was better than that, but a new idea had come to mind instead. I look down at the hose I hold between my hands and flash them an oh so devilish smile.

The girl screams her head off. She falls to the ground and turns on me, "what in Hell is wrong with you?" I try my hardest to suppress my laughter, but I couldn't help it, I crack. She looks like a raccoon with her mascara running all over her face like that. I want to lie to her, to say that what I've done was an "accident". But let's be honest, I look guilty.

The womanizer looks at me then, and it's like he's suddenly remembering my existence. One would think that I'd be happy to be noticed by him, but my hands shake. I don't like this. I prefer it when he treats me like a nobody. Because every time we get too close, I grow terrified.

"What are you looking at?" I spit out, not thinking. Sneering such ugly words at him, my voice shakes, I'm afraid. I need to keep him at a safe distance, away from me. But I regret it the minute his smile fades away.

"Wait, y-you're talking to me now?" He asks. My heart stutters a bit.

"No," I say. I turn away from him, and he shakes his head.

"Fine." He says, and his raw, ruby red lips shoot me a menacing smile. He turns his back to me, and saunters his way back to the raccoon. This time, he is the one that snatches her up by the strands of her golden blonde hair.

I close my eyes, I didn't want to see it anymore. My heart was so tired of seeing it. So, before he has a chance to pull her back in for another kiss, I shoot them one more time. Casey turns on me as if she's about to shout at me, but I'm so embarrassed at this point that I cut her off before she can begin.

"Are you a virgin?"I spit out, and she stutters back in surprise.

"W-what?" A logical response, I think to myself as I drop my gaze. Way to go Ariana! Now, this whole mess is even less um... awkward. Her face is as red as a cherry tomato. I want to say something more, but a cats caught my tongue. A beautiful voice comes ringing out then and just like that, I'm a goner. Laughter, I didn't have to see him to know that he was the source of such a heartwarming noise. I knew it all too well.