All I could do was cry(completed)

chapter 18.5

Listen to the song as you read this its guarenteed to make you cry.

I walked into my house knowing that I just caught Sanaa and Michael in whatever they have going on.

Bey:"jewel mommys back!"

I heard jewel run down the stairs like she was in a horror movie or something.She raced over to me and gave me a huge hug.

Bey:"somebody missed her mommy!"

Jewel:"yyessss so now Mrs.Carly can leave me alone!"

Bey:"o so that's what that's about you didn't really miss me you were tired of Mrs.carly bugging?"

Jewel:"no I missed you too mommy!"

Bey:"yea sure you did."

I let go of the hug and went into the rooms to make sure everything was ok.I was on my way to my room when jewel came and jumped in front of the door.

Jewel:"nope you can't go in there."

Bey:"girl I pay the bills in here I can wherever I want to now move."

Jewel:"mom I'm telling you you don't want to go in there."

Bey:"and why not is that little boy up in here ohh I swear to go jewel you better get out my damn way."

She moved out of my way I stepped into my room and immediately stepped out.

Bey:"jewel what happened to my room."

I said as calmly as I could with my eyes closed.

Jewel:"umm there was an earthquake!"

I started laughing trying to keep myself calm.

Bey:"there was only an earthquake in my room?"

Jewel:"yea!"

Bey:"that's not how earthquakes work."

I walked back into my room and looked at all the clothes on the floor and some stained with makeup and what I'm hoping is food.I went into my bathroom and just when I thought it couldn't et worse there was makeup all over my bathroom on the glass mirror on the flood in the sink and it looked bad because she tried to clean it up but it didn't work out.I walked out the bathroom and jewel took off running down the hallway.I chased after her until we made it to her room door.She ran in before me and slammed the door in my face.

Bey:"jewel open this got damn door right now before I knock your lights out for real!!"

Jewel:"no not until you calm down."

Bey:"jewel I swear to god I will break this door down open the door now!"

Jewel:"Noooooooo!"

Jewel was crying behind the door I could here it her voice and the way she was sniffling.I started banging on her door.

Jewel:"mommy stop your scaring me."

She didn't want to open the door so I did what any great mom would do I broke the door down.I spotted her in a corner of her room she was curled into a ball tears streaming down her face.I walked closer to her and she curled tighter into a ball if that was even possible.I looked her in her eyes and seen the fear and the pain in her eyes.I reached out to touch her and she flinched.

Bey:"jewel baby what's wrong?"

She looked at me and shook her head and started rocking back and forth like a crazy person.

Bey:"jewel baby I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you jewel come on talk to me."

She looked at me like she wanted to tell me something but it want coming out.

Bey:"come on jewel you can tell me anything."

Jewel:"w-w-when I was adopted t-the first time the p-people argued a lot a-a-and the women took her anger o-out on me s-she did what you j-just did but s-she hit me."

She immediately broke down screaming and crying.I pulled her closer to me and wrapped my arms around her.She continued to ball her eyes out into my shirt.

Bey:"baby I'm sorry I didn't know I didn't mean to scare you."

She nodded her head in my chest cause she couldn't talk.We sat there until she finished crying she looked me in my eyes.

Jewel:"mommy I have to get something off my chest."

Bet:"OK go ahead."

She took a deep breathe and began speaking.

Jewel:"I have been in foster care since I was younger I have been raped at 5 abused at 7 and any and everything else under the sun.I went to school during this time and I was a very depressed kid I didn't talk to anyone out of fear of what they would say about me.People told me I would never be anything but a broken girl and for years I believed them I took what they said as a fact some even told me I wouldn't make it past 9 years old.I would lay in my bed and write suicide notes but there was nothing to write or anyone to write it to so I always put anonymousI have more notes than I can physically count.One day I felt horrible I felt like no one cared about me and no one loved me I felt like what was the point of living with no one to live for not a person on this earth loved me.I went to the bathroom and locked the door I stood on the edge of the tub with a rope tied around my neck staring straight at my reflection imagining what heaven would be like and if my parents were there.I wondered if god loved me or hated me as much as the people around me did.I was this close to ending my life but something stooped me I don't know if it was the fear of death or the lord giving me a second chance but Im grateful whatever it was.The very next day I met daddy he came and started talking to me every single day he never missed a day and he made me smile for the first time in a long time when he brought me home to meet you.I felt in the pit of my stomach that something was different about you and daddy and I immediately connected with you you were my guardian angel you were my sign that I had been asking god for.Whatever you have to do to fix this with you and daddy do it because I can't stand to see you guys like this you guys brought me out of a dark time in my life so fix this."

By the time she was finished I was crying too I reached over and hugged her as tight as I could.

Jewel:"I hope that I didn't make you hate me?"

Bet:"I've told you this before nothing you could do will ever make me hate you or love you any less your my baby no matter what."

I continued to hug her as we cried together.This is why she felt so comfortable around me this is why I love her more than she will ever love herself this is why I have to do this at jays wedding I need to have jewel with me to fix this.

Sorry for all the emotions you are feeling feel free to rant on the comments love you guys.