All I could do was cry(completed)

Chapter 30.5

I walked into the room with Jay and I immediately felt at ease.I walked to the edge of the bed and turned around and Jay was down on his knees.

Bey:"Jay baby get up off the ground."

Jay:"not until I say this first."

Bey:"Jay what are you doing?"

Jay:"look baby I'm sorry for blowing things way out of proportion I didn't mean for all this to happen I just was very upset about postponing the wedding I just I'm really sorry about it please I don't want to be on a break I can't stand it you were out of my life for way too long I can't have you leave me again."

Bey:"Jay I'm not going anywhere ok and if you want this break to be over then get up from off the ground and kiss me."

He got up quick as hell and kissed me we ended up having a heated make out session.when I decided to pull away before things got out of hand I don't need no more children in my life.But Jay on the other hand wasn't getting the message as he continued to kiss my neck.

Bey:"Jay stop....mmmmm....no we can't do this stop."

Jay:"why."

Bey:"one were in my mothers home....mmmmm two I don't need any more children....mmmm and I'm still mad at you."

Jay looked up at me quick as hell I thought something was wrong.

Jay:"you don't want no more children with me?"

How is that the only thing he heard me say?

Bey:"I don't want no more children with anyone."

Jay:"no uh uh we gotta have at least one more when the twins get older I'm sorry I want to have a big family that has a lot of love in it."

Bey:"yea ok we'll see if that happens for you."

Just as I said that there was a knock on the door.

Jay:"who is it?"

???:"it's me."

We knew by the high pitch voice it was blue so we were gonna play with her.

Bey:"who is its me?"

Blue:"meeeeee mommy daddy come on its me."

Jay:"name please."

Blue:"it's blue ivy carter."

Jay got up off the bed and went to open the door for her.

Jay;"what you want short stuff?"

Blue:"my mommy."

She pushed past Jay and came and shoved her face in my chest as I wrapped my arms around her confused as to what was happening.I picked her head up a little bit to see her squeezing her eyes shut like she was scared of something.

Bey:"blue baby what's wrong?"

Blue:"I was trying to sleep and I heard you and daddy yelling then jewel got up too and started shaking in the corner and now I'm scared."

Shit!Just what I need another painful flash back from jewel i can't my emotions can't take another one of those.

Blue:"are you gonna hit me?"

Me and Jay looked down at her with confused looks on our face.

Jay:"are we gonna what?"

Blue:"are you gonna hit me?"

Bey:"no why would we hit you?"

Blue:"because my other mommy did when her and someone argued."

Why is my life so fucked up all my children have a terrible past hell I was there when Sanaa tried to kill her own daughter and I'm about to feel like a piece of crap after I talk to jewel.

Bey:"no baby we are not going to hit you ever ok?"

Blue:"ok love you."

Bey&jay:"love you too."

I got up from the bed and laid blue down in the bed and walked to the door.

Jay:"where you think your going?"

Bey:"to go check on my other child I will be back dang stop being so overprotective."

I walked upstairs to where jewel and blue were sleeping and heard someone talking and tears and was confused.

Bey:"jewel are you ok?"

Jewel:"mommy is that you?"

Bey:"yes baby."

I tried to open the door but it was locked.I heard quick footsteps and then the door opened as jewel tackled me with a hug.

Jewel:"mommy!"

I embraced the hug and her eagerness but it also conceded me a little because yes even though she is my baby she is never this clingy and I'm a little nervous because I know she had a breakdown and its because of me and Jay.I never know when she is going to have one of these breakdowns because something small can trigger one of these like me saying a certain word or something.The only way I know when she is having one or has had one is because her eyes become a little red from the crying she can't control the convulsing of her body and the fear in her eyes.

Bey:"baby it's okay co on let's go downstairs with Dady and blue."

We walked downstairs and Jay and blue were laying down in the bed.Blue was laying on his chest playing with his face as usual.I walked in with jewel behind me and laid down in the bed.She came and laid beside me as I rubbed her back trying to comfort her and semi preparing myself for what she was about to say to me once she calmed down.I may be her mother and I may know many things about her but I don't know everything about her because I didn't become her mother until she was 8.So the things she tells me after she has a breakdown helps her wit it off her chest but makes me feel horrible even though I didn't know her when these things happened it's just that no mom wants to see their child hurt or hear stories of their pain so my heart breaks a little when she tells me these things and each time it's either a little worse than the other it's never predictable.

Jewel:"mommy?"

I looked down at her scared of what was about to take place.

Bey:"yes."

Jewel:"I'm ready."

Aww hells about to break loose get ready for the tears.