All I could do was cry(completed)

chapter 13.5

After I finished crying I walked around the house a little remembering all the moments me and jewel shared in all these rooms between our conversations and our laughing and our bonding I smiled through my tears until reality struck and I realized that I no longer had a child to share moments with. I was interrupted by my phone ringing.

Bey:"hello?"

Jay:"hey bey."

Bey:"what do you want jay I have no time for games if you want to rub it in my face don't OK I'm not mentaly stable to deal with your games right now so what do you want?"

Jay:"jewel wanted to tell you goodnight."

Bey:"fine put her on the phone. "

Jewel:"hey mommy."

I cried silently hearing her call me but then I heard the tone of her voice and cried a little harder.

Bey:"hey jewel. "

Jewel:"mommy are you OK."

I smiled through my tears cause she could always tell when I'm not okay.

Bey:"yes baby I'm fine hope you sleep tight."

Jewel:"don't let the bed bugs bite."

Bey:"and if they do."

Jewel."I'll beat them with a shoe. "

Bey:"untill they turn blue love you mommy's baby and I promise I will be back for you I just have to fix some things with me and I want to you to live a normal life until I get right."

I heard crying on the other end of the phone.

Jewel:"mommy I didn't mean any of that there is nothing wrong with you your smart your pretty and your not a b word I'm so sorry."

Bey:"baby stop apologizing its OK I knew there were things wrong with me before I met you you just helped me hide them and forget about them."

Jewel:"mommy come pick me up I don't wanna be here I want to be at home in my bed talking to you I hate it here please don't make me stay."

Bey:"jew....(gco)"

Jewel:"mommy stop come get me."

Bey:"jewel your making this really hard on mommy."

Jewel:"mommy come get me pleaseeesseeeee."

Bey:"Baby I can't can you give mommy some time to feel better please for me."

Jewel:"ok."

Bey:"thank you so much."

Jewel:"hey mommy when I went upstairs I stopped by your room to pee why were there bloody razors in your bathroom?"

Shit I thought I put them in the trash.

Bey:"because mommy was very sad that day and she was trying to feel better."

This made my heart hurt trying to tell my 11 year old daughter that her mother cuts.

Jewel:"mommy why were you sad you remember what I told you that day when you were in the bathroom crying your a big girl big girls don't cry."

Bey:"yea I remember mommy just was sad about a lot of things."

Jewel:"likeeee."

Bey:"like daddy and Sanaa and blue I know that's your half family but I really don't like them and it's torture pretending that I do to make you happy."

Jewel:"mommy you don't have to fake anything for me I'm not going to judge you."

Bey:"thank you baby well I have to go right now I love you and no matter what never forget mommy loves you more than anyone on this earth."

Jewel:"yes mommy I love you too bye."

Bey:"bye baby."

I hung the phone up and went into the bathroom.I stood in the mirror for a good 20 minutes looking over my body.After I had had enough of looking at my self and what I had become I had to change for my baby.I reached down in my drawer and got my razors out of the drawer.I picked the box up and walked outside to my dumpster and threw them in the trash.I cried realizing what I had been doing to my body I created scars that are never going away.I fell to the ground crying when I felt someone pick me up I was scared out of my mind until I looked up.

Bey:"what are you doing here?"

Michael:"come on get up we gotta get you in the house."

Bey:"how did you know?"

Michael:"jewel called me and told me to check up on you and when I came here I seen you crying so I'm helping you now get up."

I got up from the ground and Michael took me upstairs to my room.He got a phone call and left the house.When he came back I heard running.

Jewel:"mommy I'm sorry are you okay mommy."

I sprung up from my bed because I though I was hearing things until she showed up in the door way of my bedroom door.

Bey:"oooo mummy's baby I'm sorry too."

She ran over to me and gave me a big hug.I squeezed the life out of her and I didn't want to ever let her go.

Jewel:"umm mom I can't breathe."

Bey:"I'm sorry how how did you get here?"

Jewel:"Michael came and picked me up after I called him."

I looked up and seen Michael standing in the doorway smiling the same way Jay used to.I patted the opposite side of my bed and told him to join us.I turned on the tv.I looked down at jewel and she was playing with my hair.

Bey:"baby what are you doing?"

Jewel looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

Bey:"why are you crying?"

Jewel:"I'm just happy to be back home because I thought you were never gonna take me back and I would have missed you way too much."

I smiled and kissed her forehead.Once I looked next to me Michael was looking at us smiling.

Bey:"what you smiling at you big head?"

Michael:"nothing just happy to see my favorite girls happy."

I looked down at jewel and she was out like a light I kissed her forehead and signaled Michael to turn everything off.Maybe this wasn't the ideal happy family I was looking for but it just might be all I can get.